Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I'm Hurting Myself...whats the point?

been hurting myself these few days...things have been extremely hard for me..on me...everyday waking up feeling like shyt...this is not the good time in my life...i've been spiritually down...really down...nothing i could do to make me feel fine....

what am i trying to do??whats hurting me?? why am i doing all these to myself??is it necessary for me to inflict all those pain to myself and hurt myself so much?? what am i trying to avoid??what am i trying to deny??

before this..i can tell you that i'm very much a troubled young adult...with all the problems and stuff pouring down on her like there's no ending to it...i swear...there's no ending to it...its been weeks since i could stop right in track and breathe real deep, real hard....times are hard...especially when ur in ur final year...assignment pilling up high and in a blink of an eye..its not funny at all...and mind you..these assignments of mine are not those easy finger clicking easy kinda assignment....i've got this stack of articles to read about on futurism...and after days of reading it...i just couldnt understand well what the heck its trying to talk about...seriously..and best part of all..i'll need to write a short essay and a long one base on this topic....how great u tell me...and its gonna be graded as the finals of this subject...so i'm actually risking my own result....dont tell me or ask me why i choose this topic...coz its not my first choice...its not up to me to choose i'm telling you...

i just managed to finish up the conducting skills report based on the class which i was absent...coz i was sick last week....and i gotta write a report base on a class that i never attend...how ironic...so to be really honest..i'd watched the clips of the class..but i couldnt hear a single word..so i just crapped about it...and hope that my lecturer doesnt stumble upon my blog....

tried to practise my piano earlier on...but i just couldnt get the touch of it...no idea how to play it...gosh i HATE Mozart...i tried searching for the mozart sonata on Youtube..hoping that i can see someone else plays it and at least try to capture the idea behind this piece..but guess what...there's only 1st movement available...and among the 3 movements, i understand the 1st one most..so i need the 2nd and 3rd movements..but there arent any!!!!...jury's in less than 2 weeks time...and my playing is all over the place...my Chopin Fantasy Impromtu is in a huge mess...running notes..my arms are not strong enough...my fingers are weak...my playing is totally all over the place...one word...MESSY to describe the pieces imma going to play for jury..so i'm very worried bout it right now..i wanna do well for my Jury....

vocal exams in june...i'm too stressed to be thinking bout it right now...i was trying to figure out solutions for my problems earlier on when i was doing my laundry...if i get to choose..i wanna stop my vocal lessons for some time...but i've already paid up the exam fees..and there's no turning back...another solution is to bail out on accompaniment job for someone..i'm really having problems coping...if i'm gonna be real broke or not having extra pocket money..let it be then...i'm too stressed right now to think of other ppl's problems..but this i still gotta discuss with my vocal teacher 2mr...ever since i fell sick last week...i tried to sing..but i couldnt sing well...and now that i'm much much better..almost fully recovered..i practise abit.but i'm not sure whether my techniques are right or wrong...just hope that i got them right...and i was thinking of stopping Dithyrambic for a month...to focus on my exams and to take a short break...its not final yet...still thinking bout it...i look like a huge coward for backing out from all my problems, or backing out from all possible ways...i have no choice but to do so..coz what i'm going thru right now..its beyond words could explain or describe....i used to settle problems one at a time...but now..it just wont work anymore....everything come crashing down upon me...i'm suffocating..i'm dying..

this are only the problems that could be settle right now right in this semester...how bout next sem???i need to find a pianist for my piano concerto next sem...die...everyone's so busy with exams and studies...who can help me?


i tried forcing myself to cry...tried to let loose...tears did not came out...i'm already close to the brink of running away from reality..the thought of doing something really stupid came into my mind...i'm very weak...to even think about it...i knew it well..that running away is not a solution to problems..it never did...but why did i even dare to think about it??i guess it showed how desperate i am...desperately grasping for a string that i held my life onto, desperately grasping for air in a vacuum...

if it wasnt for you daniel....i think i'll still be very troubled right now....thank you for spending time trying to dig out my real problems beneath this all...all though til now i still dunno what are the pain that i'm self inflicting on...you were right...i've been hurting myself lately...thanks for making me see it finally...coz i couldnt figure it out anyways...u've seen me emo countless of times...thanks for being there for me...although i'm still gonna bother you much every now and then...

i can see that i'm still gonna keep on hurting myself every now and then...til the day that wounds heal entirely and became scars...but now...those are half bleeding half healing wounds...and as if they were casted spells where they couldnt heal entirely...becoz when they try to....the wounds will automatically cut open by itself and fresh blood come gushing out like fresh wounds...

all i can do right now is to be really strong...although its never enough..it never did...and pray hard, hoping that God will cut me some slacks in everything i do....how much is enough??or there's no such word exist in ur dictionary?



Self Inflicted Pain.....foolish you say??? a way out i say....

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Unwell

dont worry i'm still not dead yet...for ppl who dislike me..BOO for you...lol...not dead yet..but almost there i think...been caught up with tonnes of things to do...having to work against the time, work towards dateline...things to worry about (but i think its rather silly to have them worried), pushing myself towards the clift of a mountain (in other words...pushing and maxing myself to my limits)..this week didnt do any good on clar i supposed...shyt loads happened..but i choosed to not mention it at all...its nothing to be proud of seriously....


just in case ur wondering what am i up to lately...well...lots of practises for the upcoming choral production which will be held in KLPac this weekend..everything got extremely busy since last weekend...i've got to borrow eddy's car as he was away to singapore...so saturday i drove ling and thiery down to KL (my very 1st time driving there)..went to get some concert use stuff...spend lots of money there...sigh...rushed back on time to have dinner and picked up others for extra choir practise..sunday...choir practise again....both practise ended rather late at nite...by the time we got home it was 1 something in the morning..

monday...morning class..after class..i stayed home all day rushing my AMus paper..really hate myself for not doing it earlier..managed to steal some time to take a rest...the reason i needed to RUSH my assignment was becoz me and my frens planned to attend the MDG party held in MIST club in Bangsar later that night...and yes we went...first time been to such events...and thanks to lala and Nuffnang for granting her the passes..and which allowed us to get it...after the event...came back for a short and quick yamcha session as i was hungry...after makan rushed back home to finish up the remaining of my paper...and guess what..i've spend the whole night worrying bout petty stuff...issues like my AMus paper, white shirt for concert, some money issues...and i didnt get to sleep the whole night...great...

tuesday...busy as usual...running here and there in uni to outside shops to get my paper printed and stuff...yesterday was really crazy..i've actually skipped my conducting class coz i needed time to rest and to memorize some of the choir pieces...in the end...just when i almost slept, eddy called to asked me go down to take his car...lol...speaking of good and right timing..but well...i still managed to pull myself thru last nite's 5 hours of choir practise...standing and singing and all...damn tired but not gonna complain too much..coz this is what i choose...this is what i want...by the time we left MIA, it was about 2 something in the morning...went over to SS2 Murni for "early breakfast"...damn hungry lo...been starving throughout the entire practise..all i had before going to the practise was a red bean bun..lol..i'd be damn greatful for not having gastric...lol..

came home around 3 something..by the time i was ready to hit the sacks..it was already 4 something...already planned to skip theory class this morning as i really need to catch up with my sleep..was damn worried that i cant sleep again last nite..but luckily i did...rui called around 1.30pm..asked if are we going for choir in uni coz normally she send us there...told her i planned to skip again coz i'm really tired...prefered to stayed home to practise my piano and to do laudndry (which is pilling up)...tried to sleep back again..but stomach upset...rushed to toilet...guess the food i had early this morning wasnt that clean afterall...but luckily nothing too serious...only went to toilet twice..lol...still kinda tired right now..played piano for abit..but couldnt seems to get the touch of it...and i'm hungry right now..but lazy to cook up something...lol..oh i still need to look up for some details for my AMus presentation....die die die....T______T later going to subang with rui...needed to go look for a white shirt...sigh..hopefully can find one thats as white as snow...


rehersals 2mr..and the show is starting this friday...hopefully everything will go smoothly for us all...



til then....gonna update next week
loves to all...
muahz muahz....=)


hints for the next big post...



ciaoz...

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Why So Emotional...


Doing things and rushing assignment at a last minute basis is what Clar do best...

ahh finally i'm back on track once again..thats feels good...rushing assignment at a very last minute manner...and things turns out to be kinda good...i'm greatful...=)

last few days was hell of a time...so emotional that its not funny at all...depressed...mentally exhausted...just a thought that i really wanna give up on everything last nite...the moment i see the stacks of articles and those never ending problems..i just wanna break down and cry..and wish there's someone there to help me out with all of it...sometimes i find it really hard to handle everything by myself..alone..but then....who am i kidding...gotta settle everything by myself...i'm an adult...so settle everything using the adult way....

cross my fingers tightly and closely...hoping that everything will go smoothly...

taking one small lil step at a time...and there's still a long looooonnnnnnnnnngggggggggg way to reach til the top....

life..........sigh...

Saturday, March 07, 2009

Crazee Nutz!!!!!!

stress + food = FAT + weight gain.. (+___+)

i'm not coping well at all...AMus seriously is driving me nuts...i just read 2-3 pages on the Impressionism - arts and paintings...

and i went out to look for chocolates..and i downed 4 pieces of it at a go!!!!...and my mind kept rendering outside somewhere...taking a stroll down the malls...sigh...FOCUS la hueyhsiang...u're having a tuesday dateline and yet there's nothing you've done so far...

plus i just asked thiery to get me a pack of Chachos...great...
people just told me that i grow some flesh on my face...which means i've add on some weight!!!!...

i keep wanting to eat and eat lately...just in this week i had supper 3 nites..and of which 2 nites were done consecutively...

all the sit-ups everynite just gone straight down to the drain for nothing...sigh...no more flat tummy...+___+
thou shall really focus focus focus focus focus FOCUS on studying...and not on eating and shopping...sigh...

time is running out...

BangkokJazz and whats not

i'll try to update my blog as much as i can as imma be busier these days...sigh..AMus is nuts okay...still living in denial..dun have the guts to face it..i'm such a coward..aihz...okay am gonna conquer it after updating my blog...lol...

some random pics and updates on how i spend my last week...
saturday..the sri cempaka performance..after which we went for yamcha session @ BRJ

just thought why wanna waste the effort and make up i slapped on my face..so i shall take a pic...hmmm..ahahah..actually i took plenty..hahaha



sunday after rui came back...bummed around the house..and went down to get some food and drinks...

silly gal turning red after their drinking sessions..hahah




monday..went down KL with Simli to take my dress...and shopping trip down to Pavilion with Shern nin and rui...tuesday..we had midterm for conducting...so before reaches our turns..we went to the place we always lepak to practise..and there were a few guys walking around with video shooting equibments...they were preparing to shoot some short videos of others music students playing music outside our uni...so we didnt bother much..and kept practising our conducting..suddenly that guy approached us..asked us to do the exact same thing..and they wanna video us coz he thinks its cool..=.= hahaha..so we went like..."hmmmm..aaaaa....oh..okay lo..." hahhaa....well he's Christien New..a local artist...very funny and same time weird experience..hahaha..

wednesday..didnt went sunway with rui as i had plenty to do...wanted to practise my violin and piano..and do laundry...so after dinner i came back...ling told me that she's going out later to KLIA to send Yenlin off to US...i tagged along too...coz i never have the opportunity to send ppl away..ahahah..i sound kinda bad here...so quickly washed up my clothes, practise vocal abit..showered and off we went...rushed to KLIA coz worried yenlin will leave as we went to surprise her...haha...made me think of lots of stuff that nite..but dont worry...i didnt emo okay...hahaha


thursday....vocal class lo...rui send me over..but i need to find my way back home after class ended as she had cheer practise...competition coming soon...in two weeks...so it was my very 1st time taking train ALONE...hahah..kinda scary as i walk over to the train station..the route was kinda dark and quiet...haha...behind IMU somemore...kept worrying that ppl will rob me or something..hahaha..*touch wood touch wood!!!* but anyhow managed to made my way back home safe and sound...went dinner with ling...came home and got ready to go out again..


as usual the camwho session...this time many pics coz its been awhile since the four of us went out for an outting together...ling almost never a late nite person...yet she was there with us..and lala too!!! was very happy to have all my loves with me that nite..hehe

clar and ling...


dunno why lala ran towards the mirror..hahaha.



i was the 1st to ready...ahaha..bangga shyt wei..ahaha



i wore my fedora again..coz i know i wont be using it for clubbing sessions...haha...so why not for a nite of hanging out and chilling with frens..hahah




solo pic...









while waiting for lala...we kept camwho..ahaha











our outfits for the nite..black themed...with all my LOVES...=)



Frozen Strawberry Margarita....at 1st when it was frozen it tasted okay..after the glass "melted"...yuck...hahaha...i think i shall stick to fruit juices next time..ahahha or wine maybe...hahaha thought wanna try something out so i had this margarita..








crazy loves..hahaha..i thought i wont get red after drinking...but i did..abit...i always thought i was the weird one.bad blood circulation i guess..hahaha



like this pic more..




eddy and rui



i looked so wrong...gosh...ahahha



followed eddy's car as he send Minji back...then rui called us said i was having their parking token..so we went back there again..hahaha...
on the way back..we kena road block...haha..its been awhile since i encountered such shyts..haha..but this time round..we were safe to go!!!!... so happy wei..1st time lo...hahaha



back in condo's mamak

ling and lala didnt brought housekey..so joined us for yamcha session...so rare lo...hahaha..but i love..=p




QQ and nel..




my crazee lovess..haha












eddy and i...

slept really late last nite...this morning if u wanna get really specific..haha...coz i took a 5 hour nap yesterday afternoon....my timing all out again...sigh...
after the nap..woke up to get ready for the photoshoot with dithyrambic at some studio in sunway damansara...after photoshoot..eddy send us back..and yamcha session with ling and theiry..chit chat abit with my loves..
today woke up around 12.30pm..told ling and thiery that imma cook lunch for them today...my turn to contribute..haha...so i after done preparing..i was cooking the pasta..while waiting..i came back to my room to switch on my lappy..and suddenly i heard water boiling outta the pot..so i ran towards the kitchen...on i hit my right foot on the door on my way out..and i remembered throwing myself towards ling's room's door..hahaha...but i still ran for the kitchen after the accident..ahaha..why am i so clumsy and accident-prone all the time...now the part that hit the door is swollen with blue-black bruises..and i burned my finger..hahaa...just a simply meal and i hurt myself...sometimes i really quite "pui fuk" with myself...hhahahaa



Melacca trip with my LOVES 2mr...cant wait!!!!.ahahah

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

The Time Has Come

its just another day where the entire Genting is visible from my uni and my condo...ahh..i somewhat miss genting...the fun...the happy times with frens...

its the time where i gotta take my studies really seriously..no more fooling around...its almost at a worrying state...

thoughts...

what to do bout them??

guess imma be quite busy from now on..work loads getting heavier...and more plans coming up for me...so i guess its a good thing...










just to help promote...

"A Choral Voyage" by Dithyrambic Singers

Dithyrambic Singers, will be holding a concert from 20-22 March 2009 in KLPAC (KL Performing Arts Centre). With this concert, we hope to share our love of music with the public and increase the awareness and appreciation of choral music among the people of Malaysia.

Founded in 2005 by Choral Director Ian Lim Kean Seng, our choir has participated and won awards in many international competitions, most recently being crowned the Grand Prix Champion at the 2008 Busan Choral Festival & Competition in South Korea last November. Being a local choir, we have decided to hold a concert here in our homeland to share our music with our fellow Malaysians..

Awards

Grand Prix Champion
Busan Choral Festival & Competition 2008, South Korea
Highest marks in both Mixed Classic and Ethnic Category

Gold Medal, Category Champion & Jury Prize Award
21st Century International Choral Festival-Oriental Concentus 2008, China

Gold Medal, Category Champion
1st Asian Choir Games 2007, Indonesia

The event details are as follows :

Date : 20 March 2009 (8.30pm)
21 March 2009 (3pm & 8.30pm)
22 March 2009 (3pm & 8.30pm)
Venue : KLPAC ( KL Performing Arts Centre )
Ticket price : RM 30 (Student), RM 50 ( Adult )

Kindly log onto website http://dithyrambic-singers.blogspot.com/ for more information.

For further inquiries, please contact KLPAC (03-40479000),
Terence (012-3636956), Connie (017-2233235),




Do Support Us!!!=)

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

One Nite in Bangkok

one short update before uber hectic day ahead...yupz...one nite in Bangkok...=)


outfit for the nite


the usual stuff la...haha


we always make good use of out time..even when waiting for lift..haha


one more before we go...the lift is so damn slow..so we had ample of time..haha


the reason we went there was to hang out...and nel went there for jamming sessions..so i just tagged along...better than staying at home with nothing to do..=)

rui, clar and QQ



us...xiaotian, yiqian, rui, clar and QQ



look at them both...looked so serious..lol



our shots...B52...sounds like some bra size or durian type..hahaha



dunno a mixture of what...i just drank it in a mouthful..haha..yes i was tipsy then..=p



ahahha..no comment



nel and some guys jamming..



tipsy me..lol...



no more alcohols for clar this thursday..imma be good gal..hahaha!!!! kononnya...=p






hanged around outside..and then it started to rain..got heavier and heavier..so we just sat there waiting for time to pass...




QQ on bass




uber blur face of mine..lol



feeling cold and *numbed*



ahhh.....just another nite..


emo-ed again la...almost hit the sacks without cleaning up coz i was almost dead by then..haha..i didnt went for class the next day...stayed at home and slept til the afternoon...woke up and went out for lunch with rui,nel and qq...
came back...bummed around abit..ling ajak me to go for movies..so i tagged along since i got nothing much to do..we watched Love Matters
went to grabbed a bite before the movie...Zen by Secret Recipe

some mango thingy



green tea cheese cake...this is not bad...



some strawberry thingy...quite nice..but after awhile u tend to get jelak with the taste...



my du lan face..lol



with ling...



why i look so pale...sigh...



i think i need make up now..which is a bad sign??



over the weekends i'm in cheras...1stly was coz i had performance at Sri Cempaka Cheras on Saturday..2ndly..didnt wanna go home...so woke up in the afternoon on sat, went out for lunch with thiery and ling...came back...bummed around in my room, warmed up practise abit..off we went...after performance, went for yamcha session at BRJ...went home after that and continued bumming around til 3 something 4 in the morning...woke up in the noon on sunday...thought i'll be alone at home..so kinda worried for my meals...but thiery was around..so i swept the floor, and we both went down to mamak for lunch...came back started doing some laundry and housechores and practised my violin and piano...there goes my sunday...at nite...went down to the sundry shop to get some chips and drinks..bummed in my room with rui and qq...played cards and they had their own drinking session while i've been a good girl..eatting my chachos and drinking my iced lemon tea, watching some hk series thingy...but i joined them for the game later on...
monday...class at 8am as usual...for the very 1st time in this semester..i actually was fully awake throughout this morning's class...hahah...after that..came home..and went out down to KL around 11am with simli...to the tailor who made the dress for dithyrambic...went for last fitting and now the dress is with me...=) came back..went to tapaoed mcd for lunch...and went out to Pavilion hangkai with shern nin and rui...spend some money there..but i think the money was well spent...haha..came back..practised CME with shern nin and then conducting with other frens coz we'll be having midterm 2mr...and til now..updating my blog while doing mask...my face's been kinda terible lately..late nites, drinkings, and make ups...
okay...cut the crapz...
nite people...
til then...
Muahzmuahz...=)