So Many Thoughts..

So many thoughts..i wish i could tell u..i wish u would like to know...
as usual..u call people around me to ask how am i doing lately...instead of calling me to ask me in person...how i wish u would contact me...
no..u didnt..i was again the 1st to contact u...
i feel so stupid for doing so...
dunno what ur thinking in ur mind...
dunno what u want...
i'm like totally out from ur life...
all my traces in ur life has been erased...
its sad to see it...
but every bit of u still in mine...
still cant let go...
but i'm trying very very hard to do so...
so that u'll be happier...
so that u dont feel pressured from me..
i'm trying very very very hard already...
am i doing it rite??
i really wish i am..

for a few days...
i didnt contact you..
and i slowly let u slip away from my mine...
i thought i was healing slowly...
i thought i can overcome losing u..
i thought of so many things..
i thought i still can go on with my life without u...
i thought i'm not that dependent upon u after all...
i thought...

but i was so wrong..
so damn fucking wrong
wrong bout everything...
up til last nite..
i finally contacted u again...
all those sadness that i tried to hide..
it all came back to me all of a sudden..
i got hit with a huge pang of sadness and guilt...
i cried and cried and cried...
i sat on my bed and kept crying..
thinking bout all those memories we had..

i had to contact u...
to ask to borrow luggage from u...
i dunno am i happy or sad when i hear that ur kinda happy with ur life now..
no stress...no one to control u..where u cant go..what u cant do..
its all urs now..
i gave u all the options u ever wanted..
and i dunno whether i'm happy about it..
it kills me slowly..
i'm dying...

here i am again..
crying in my room in condo...
just now i took out the bottle of small scrolls that i bought one for each of us...
i wrote in urs and u wrote in mine..
i opened up to read the contents..
as i read i cried...

i'm back to my old self again...
weeping so often that i hate myself more and more..
this morning i woke up feeling like hell...
hurt myself again..
scars on my arms to remind me to let go...
why am i so stubborn??
i just couldnt understand...
why u seems to be letting go entirely..living ur own life happily..can move on so well...
while i'm still here..weeping for our dead love...
why...

i hate myself....really do...
i miss you so much...
i love u even more...
what can i do to make u come back to me??
what can i do so that ur mine again??
god please tell me..
i dun wanna loose him anymore...
or i just did??
please come back to me....my love...