LoveHate Relationship

love and hate are total two opposite feelings one could have... yet most of the time i guess many of us just caught in between both feelings no??

lets just start it of with me sleeping late/early at 3am yesterday (it really depends on how u wish to see it really)..and waking up late around 12pm in the afternoon...i was all alone thus no naggings received..and upon waking up and lazily stretched out my hand to look for any one of my hps that lies next to my bed to check the time...i almost struck by horror,learning bout the time it was then...quickly got up and cleaned up..rushed downstairs as i was assigned housechores to be done before my mom comes back from work...

well luckily managed to finish it and also to doing my own laundry before she came home...i was then preparing to cook poridge for myself (mouthful of blisters and ulcers...there's almost nothing to eat without feeling the pain)..then i went on doing some of my weekly assigned housechores..i still remember someone commented on me being so " domesticated"..lol...anyways..suddenly she just came right to me and started to judge me...coz i owned a Bikini...and the one-sided conversation just went on and on til she started bringing back the past...saying that i've changed so much compared to me back then when i was studying in secondary schu....

for people who doesnt know me well enough....back then...til my foundation year in Uni...i was the tshirt-jeans-with-glasses-and-bushy-hair-nerdy girl...i guess u've got the picture..and things started to change...people change right...so i started to know how to dress nicer other than those tshirts and jeans that i used to have..and for some reasons..i wear simple things like shorts and tank tops and jeans and spags to uni on an everyday basis...and when i wear like that out for dinner or something with my family...i was judged and badly criticized as dressing indecently...but i didnt care...coz for some personal reason...(very good ones okay)...so i like fashion...who doesnt like to be dressed in fashionable outfits...as specially girls...somehow kinda adopted the trends and fashions style...but mine wasnt a drastic one or a very obscene one though...i dont dress trashy...to her...shorts are not decent...spags are not decent...

so she went on saying that one needs not to reveal much (by wearing spags and shorts) to be attractive...words like one have to be responsible for all their doings and stuff like that popped out...i swear to u..at that moment i was gonna faint any second...so i was rather unhappy coz as her daughter..she could have understand me.yet i was badly judged by what i wear..so i defended myself by saying that i'm well aware of all my behavior and i take good responsibility of everything i've done...and then she started to have the thinking that people that dress indecently (spags and shorts) are not good people and doesnt have the heart to study....what kinda theory and logic is this??!!!! so i told her right there and then that "its not like i dont study...i study hard and worked hard throughout all my years of studying!!!" as a matter of fact..i've got a satisfying report card to show her...well in my own understanding that i'm currently satisfied with my results..but i believe if i strive harder i'll have a better result...there are still room for improvements...

so i already forgotten how she went on and on and on..and it all started with me having a bikini...its not like i wear it on itself and run around the street or something...sigh...just speechless la...so i just decided to shut up and walk away from the kitchen as i was done with the chores...

and just in case u didnt know...she's been asking me more than a handful of times whether did i dye my hair...and again..just incase everyone didnt know...i dyed it in december last year coz i was being random and wanted a change...but back then she didnt notice at all...how funny..and since i've straightened my hair..every single time i come home..she'll ask me over and over again...its not like i dye my hair blonde or purple or green...plus the colour is not obvious..its only brownish under the sunlight or light...


well maybe people who read this post will think that i'm such a stupid girl...for whinning bout such a stupid thing...it almost make me seems like i hate my family so much..no???well at times i dislike la..(maybe hate when there's something huge happening...) but i still love them no matter what...of coz there are times that i actually enjoy spending time with my family..sometimes they can be so funny and nice...and totally open-minded at a time...and sometimes..they're just so....sigh..dunno how to describe..but i guess u'll understand what i wanna say...guess this is why they're my family...my parents..


people change...in fact all the time...so if ur comparing this 21yearold hueyhsiang with a 15yearold hueyhsiang...i'm sure there are alot of differences...if there arent..wouldnt it be scary since i havent changed much and still moving in the same pace??not improving or growing to be an adult??? sometimes i just wish u could see what i've gone thru...just like watching a movie..then u'll understand what have changed me to who i am today...i'm embracing the changes in my life..and i'm looking forward to changes..coz i dont want to live a life thats so predictable..just like how anyone could imagine/think of...finish uni...start working...and have a stable pay and get married and have kids..and die...i want to live my life to the fullest coz i dont wanna be looking back one day in future and start to think bout all the possibilities and the "what-ifs"..i dun wanna regret...but i guess u guys just couldnt understand...no matter what i still love you all...=)

i know some of my doings are not entirely right..but in the process of learning and changing..mistakes are unavoidable and i'm still learning bout myself and my life...to someone who cares...dont give up on me just yet...coz i still need u your reassurance and guidance...=)

i was a pretty much black-an-white type of person...as there's only two things to a situation..right and wrong...black and white..true and false...

but right now..i found out that i've been living and surviving very much in the Grey Area...in the middle of both...a mixture of both...there's always different perspective to a matter...it depends on how one choose to see it..and going thru and learning all these..i've learned to observe and not judge...its so tiring to be judgemental over someone, something...and its also very tiring to be judged..coz u care how people see you..how people will think of ur doings and what kinda impression your giving people who doesnt know you...so subconsciously u'll try to live up to people's expectations..be it reasonable or totally demanding or illogical ones...


after all my stupid rantings...i just wanna say that..i wished to be myself...i wanna be myself...and not how people want me to be...but its a hard goal to achieve, really.. and dont judge...there's always a reason for every doings...you dont know simply becoz u choose to ignore it, or it doesnt matter to you so you dont need to know..so no matter what...its not for u to judge...coz afterall..who are you to judge???

i've learnt so much bout life and people relations in these 5 months' time...thank you for making me change and giving me this chance..although u've hurt me so much....