Thank you, Bi...

just came back from terengganu, reached cheras at about 3am...
a trip up north, was just what i really needed after a long, winding, tired path that i just been thru...talking bout leaving all the problems behind, and just go enjoy your life as though u dont belong in the city...it was heaven..trust me..it really was..i had a great time just by doing nothing, sitting at the beachside, watching the waves washed up the shores, enjoying the sea breeze late at night...just hanging around with my beloved and another fren of ours...
the three days in redang, i've been thinking alot..bout the past, mostly...what happened about a year ago that brought us together in the end, what had just happened lately that broke me into a million piece but still i gotta move on with my life, and i'm really glad to still have those that really stay by my side despite all that happened...to make myself realise that i shouldnt even be too upset about what had happened coz it all only proves to me, who are my true friends..and thanks to bi who sticked up for me when people start spreading things to my disadvantage, believes in me..thats when i trully see the true side of him...things might not be pretty always but i know he'll be right next to me at all times..i just went thru the hard way to see it...i've learnt to let go..to not care too much on things that doesnt worth me doing so...i think i'll be happier..but that doesnt change much of me for still wanting to treat other people as sincerely as i can, with all my heart..i must know...we shouldnt expect the exact effort that we give others..if one who trully appreciates you, no matter what u'll still be willing to care for them coz you love them...but if one who doesnt, you dont even need to be sad about it coz u have done your part, and you certainly dont need to say goodbye, just leave..
it breaks me, always having to worry about how people think of me since all that happened..coz i do not know what others had said..and i try hard not to care anymore..if they really wanna be frens with me, no matter what others say...they wont judge...there's always two sides to a story..and dont worry i will no say much bout my part of the story, unless you come ask me personally...if u deserve to know..i will tell..no matter..i believe on my stand, no matter how ugly things people have said about me...everything thing that comes out of my mouth, every single thing that i've done now i think at least ten times about it before doing or saying it...its tired to have to live a life this way...but u can never blame me to being too carefull...
i have been thinking about my future..things that are going to happen next...me as a working adult..been trying to be delusive about it coz its hard to accept it...it means i can no longer depend on anyone anymore..that i have more responsibilities laid on my shoulders from now on..that i'm going to have lesser time spend with bi coz i'll be busy working..although i've tried to allocate time for us, but he still gotta work while studying...i'm fearful of my lifestyle..how is it gonna be..i tried not to think about it but now i'm back here..i gotta do what i gotta do...just cross my fingers and hope things will work out for the best of everything...

my Redang and Terengganu trip was almost a makan trip...thanks to bi who brought us makan makan all the local delicious food...and he'd gained some weight..muahahhaa...it was fun..especially in Redang...i've tried diving but i'm so paranoid that i just cant relax..in the end i didnt join them for their discover diving trip..but still i had fun snorkelling with bi's sis-in-law, michelle...sorry bi wasted your effort..i'll try again the next time i go..okay?? hehee..overall i'd had a great great time in there with all of them..thanks to bi's family, his babysitter who cooked us a wonderful meal that i swear it was the bestest potato chicken on earth apart from my mom's..hahhaa..i've also bought myself a pario..but too bad i only bought it the morning we were about to leave redang..but nevermind...the next time i'm going back there i'm gonna bring along my pario and ask the aunty to teach my how to wrap it..hahaha...i'm already missing Redang so much..wondering when will be the next time that i can go back there again..sigh...although i'll be going terengganu again in June for bi's bro's wedding...speaking of which..i havent choose song to perform yet..*die*....

so...its time to back to reality...T________________T

again...Thank you bi, and your family, for everything..and thank you dennis, for adding colors to this trip..=)

It takes two to clap...

to summarize my saturday..it has been a good and bad one...lolz...saturday is always my busiest day in a week, working from 10.30 straight til 5.30...that is if no replacements or delays in schedules...i like my saturdays...coz its the busiest of all and it can keep me occupied at all times..dont even have time to think of anything else...

today has been extraordinaryly free...coz of all the 12 students only 3 showed up..then i was thinking, finally one saturday i can go home early and start unpacking my own things at my house (i'm in the midst of moving back to my own house, a place call HOME)...then i went to take my car and left..once i left the garden's carpark..thats when my nightmare started..i've been stuck in MV city for AN HOUR....T_____________________T and i dunno why its so freaking jam that it makes me wanna cry...T______________T and it did not even help a bit when my headache decided to strikes again although i've taken panadol before leaving for work this morning..and the headache has been with me since yesterday evening...so finally i got out of the freaking MV City...went back thru federal highway...then it decided to jam AGAIN outside Naza...T___________T jam all the way til the turning to subang....

and now for the main course, the main highlight of the day...i was just replying eddy's text, telling him that i just entered subang...while he was already in puchong teaching...sienz...then just when i was on the turning into Subang, near SJMC there..i looked at the dashboard and to my biggest horror....the radiator meter HIT RED LINE!!!! which means my car is heating up...BOILING actually....i panicked...quickly think of a place where i can stop and seek help...many places flashed thru my mind but i worry that my car couldnt drive any longer...so i choose to stop at SJMC...then i quickly made phone calls to my dad and my bro..they said they're already on their way rushing over to help me...and at the same time..there was this security pak cik...he helped me by asking me to open the bonnet to let it cool down abit...then seeing that its going to rain soon the kind pak cik asked me to park at another place, road side so if rain i could run into the hospital for shelter and at the same time i can look after my car...i moved my car over there, and waited outside the car for my dad or bro to come to my rescue...suddenly a malay guy on motorcycle stopped over infront of my car...i was shocked but i tried to keep a distance, then only to realise that he helped me to see if he can do something with my car...then the security pak cik came over with a bottle of his drinking water and he offered to let me use to cool down my car...coz not enough and he ran up and down a few times into the hospital to get more water for me while the other malay guy help me with cooling down the car engine...then another car stopped by next to mine..asked what happened...then he also came down to help me check what is wrong exactly...i think i was there for about 10-15 mins...they really helped me out alot...consolling me that it'll be alright..dont worry i can drive it home..teach me how to cool it down again if it happens to heat up when i'm on my way back...tell me patiently that what are the possibilities that all of these happened...so i can inform my dad...and they did not ditch me when it started to rain...i panicked like shyt coz its starting to rain and its gonna be a raining cats and dogs and my dad or bro is nowhere to be seen...called my dad..and he appeared while i was on the phone with him..luckily...dad checked the car...talked to the malay guys...and my bro and his gf arrived shortly...i was so greatful that my family rushed over from different place to help me...and i had so many people to help me....thank god seriously..if not i think i would just panic and dunno what i can do but just stand there and wait for my dad...T___________________T

seriously...THANK YOU PAK CIK, THANK YOU BOTH OF THE MALAY MEN WHO HELPED ME...i dunno your names but i know all of you are working in SJMC, one is security, one is a chef, and another i have no idea...but you know who you are and most importantly, me, my family and GOD knows...so thank you so much and GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU....=)

then from there i dare not drive that car anymore..so i followed my mom while my dad drove my car back home..lol....

thats roughly sums up my eventful Saturday....next week gonna be super crazy til can die...hopefully all goes well...*fingers crossed*

Monday and Tuesday: practice and rehearsal
Wednesday: Grad Recital, working and concert rehearsal
Thursday: Concert
Friday: class replacement for students and Concert
Saturday: Work whole day without breaks
Sunday: Work, meet up with someone, then off to Terengganu...

n then i wont be back til thursday or friday...hahaha...so see if i have time to update or i have anything particular that i wanna blog about...


btw i'm now bloggin from my bro's new 22'' LCD widescreen monitor....SWEET...i want one for myself too...=p

til then..
toodles...
good day to all...=)

烂。

i couldnt remember when was the last time i had a decent appetite, a decent sleep or rest..its been really tiring...sometimes i just sit there and wonder all the things that happened...and i finally know that there's no point to say a word anymore...i'm tired...i couldnt care about it anymore..

i'm 烂 maybe coz i just simply wont accept what people tells me...
i'm 烂 maybe coz i just wont listen to other people...
i'm 烂 maybe coz i did not appreciate the things that people did for me...
i'm 烂 maybe coz i take things and people for granted..
i'm 烂 maybe coz i never consider other's feelings when doing something...
i'm 烂 maybe coz i never make effort...
i'm 烂 maybe coz i never think that people are forgiving me all the times...
i'm 烂 maybe coz i sometimes care too much how people hurt me...
i'm 烂 maybe coz i only think about the bad things about people, and not their good traits...
i'm 烂 maybe coz i only know how to blame other people but not myself...

i finally realise that justice is not always there...there's been to many cases where justice is never served..bended truth...but then there's nothing we can do...i kept fighting for a fair treatment for myself, in the end i just got hurt...so now i give up...its not worth it anymore...
i'm always reminded to keep quiet and not say too much, to save myself from troubles..i thought i'm doing it..but it seems that i'm not, at all...
its difficult to find a balance point where you keep quiet, but not too quiet until you keep yourself alienated from other people...

maybe right from the start i should have just kept quiet and all of these would never happened...if only...but its good to know anyways...true frens are those that came and never left...
silence is gold...sometimes, being alone is not a bad thing afterall...

So?

so now...it is as though everything is my fault...at first things just started when all they could do is just to text me..it was just a text away..yet nobody bothers to do it..and then i kept quiet..but didnt want to dig up things to say...and now things are all digged up..even the things from 3 years ago...i kept asking the question...why do you accuse me for being not understanding and having bad intentions when right in the first place i have no idea anything that had happened...and this question is never answered..simply by steering away with digging up old stuff to talk about...saying that i did not thank the people who fetched me...oh yea i just remembered that i DID...even though not verbally all the time..but i was so greatful and i posted it in my blog YEARS ago..i dunno if you feel left out for not having anything to say or what but you dun need to bring out things that doesnt happened in the first place...then said that i did not thank those that helped with my program book, of which i'm totally sure that i THANKED them before i left...and their names are printed on the appreciation page of the booklet...so is this not being thankful or appreciating ppl's help??

i choose to keep quiet to stop all of these, but in the end i got mocked for doing so...so is this a challenge or what??

so all of you have a fair say of how i treated every single one of you...okay...so hereby I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR EVERY SINGLE THING THAT I DID WRONGLY SIMPLY COZ I'M NATURALLY BAD-TEMPERED and that I'M SELFISH..and to APOLOGIZE FOR NOT THANKING EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU EVERY TIME WHEN YOU GUYS HELPED ME...

whatelse do you guys wanna say about me??to condemn me??go ahead..i know i havent been a good person with good temper...and i've put every single one of you thru a hell of a time..SO SORRY ABOUT THAT...

okay..just to be fair...
the things you guys said to me...like the presents i got was ugly, how to use, the presents i plan to buy is cheap...me worked my ass off rushing up and down to run errands but in the end i was criticized...and the meeting was supposed to be at 9pm suddenly changed to 10pm and i dunno why is that so, and i did not know what happened the other day and was accused that i'm not understanding and have any intentions of some sort, being said that i'm not going to make effort to come back for the meeting when i was thinking a way to how to settle it and in the end i did made effort to come back...suddenly became my fault coz i simply love to complain bout everything and push the blame to everyone else but not myself...and that i'm being selfish...

maybe i was wrong maybe i was right...i'm not sure..but i just want to know if there are two person commenting bout the flowers, or just one??coz i was told that it was only one person who stated all the comments...

so maybe right from the start i'm the person at fault..that i didnt know what happened..and that i didnt know that they got movie plans..and that i did not bother to check with them...but do i deserved to be accused that way??

so now i'm only left with two choices...to talk face to face..end it once and for all, or to keep quiet, remain my silence, and leave uni...either way...there's no turning back for this frenship coz the wounds are digged up, deeper and deeper...so if i do get to voice out my part of the story, will anyone of of you willing to listen without judging first?or no matter what my stories are, all of you already have in mind how's the ending??

if you already have in mind that i'm this kinda person who doesnt appreciate the things people do for me, that i'm not understanding...i dont think there's even need for me to say a word more..simple as that becoz right in the message, when i was told to say out my feelings, in the end all of it just being turned around to attack me, to shoot me down, doesnt matter how horrible i felt in the situation...thats why i said it is pointless for me to explain..coz all of these are just old stories from the past that is being digged out from the grave, going round and round and it never ends, where the main question is never answered right from the start..

i'm getting exhausted, trying to get people to understand my point, where it is always distracted...and saying that i do not bother to explain, do not put in effort to maintain the frenship...

is all of these my fault??maybe it is......

Focus on the dot...

its only just a week away to my graduation recital...i should just focus extra hard on it and not let anything else distract me from what i should do...almost two more weeks and i'm outta this place..i dunno whether this is gonna be a good thing or bad...at one point i used to think that i'm gonna miss the people around here..and after what had happened..it doesnt worth that much anymore...maybe she's right..i'm putting all my heart in a thing, that i care too much...thats why in the end i feel so hurt...just like in gossip girl where chuck opened up his heart to his "mother" but in the end it was just a scam by his uncle jack to hurt him badly...

its comforting to know that i have someone to remind me that i'm not totally wrong..yes i admit that its my fault for shouting and yelling in the first place..but i've apologized for it..but right where the moment accusations are made on me..it was already too much..all i'm asking is to be fair to me..as it is fair to your part...

i did not want to say anything simply i know its pointless, and also try to minimize the impact...but since wounds are digged deeper...there's already no turning back..and this is what i'm trying to avoid...if only someone could have understand what i was doing...sometimes things are just better left unsaid...

its just a pity that such a frenship of 4 years ends up in this kinda situation...

lesson to be learn from this scenario, never open ur heart to anyone..until you know the person well enough that the person's worth you effort and heart..if not you're just gonna be hurt...yes i may be sound like a selfish person...but coz i worked too hard to please other people simply a sentence by my mom who affected me to be what i am today..thats why i am hurt so deeply coz i care too much...the level of commitment for each other is already different since the very first day..different perspective, different understanding...so i have nobody to blame for all that i've got...maybe this is what i'm asking for..this is what i've putting myself into all these while...

no matter what other people gonna say about this thing, i know where do i stand..and i know that it wasnt me who push the whole thing up to this level...people may spread things to my disadvantage, but i'm going to stand still to my point, my stand for dignity...

Selfish-ness

like i've said...nobody will side me when something happened..not even the closest person to me..THANK YOU seriously...

i've been always the bad guy, i am always the bad guy, and i will always the bad guy no matter what i do...

According to you, i'm not understanding..

According to you, i'm up to something with all the things that i've done..as though i have intentions of some sort..

According to you, you wont blame me but right behind me i'm sure u'll say ugly things about me..

the efforts and 用心 nobody ever sees it, but every single lil things that u guys did...u glamourize it...

its been so many times..until i couldnt remembered what and when exactly..coz i chose to forget all of them becoz i love u all..even when i heard things that hurt me so much..i just kept it inside of me...and that..did u guys know it??

everytime u said u understand how i feel, ask me to think of how others would feel...i've been doing that..and in return...did u guys ever think of how i felt??

stop saying and pretending that u care...it makes me wanna laugh so hard when i hear u saying that...

there's been so many times that i've kept quiet coz i know when i say it out it will be hurtful to the others..but u guys just say it right infront of my face...and its not once..but many time that i've been verbally slapped...then u will say..."u can tell us straight...thats how i am..there's anything i need to say i will say.." yea right...so when i said it out loud...the reactions i get is always the opposite...and in the end..its as though my fault for keeping quiet...

so..is it my fault that i dunno whats happening today?? u just decided to blame it all on me..saying what intentions i have by doing so, saying that i'm not understanding when one the other hand, any changes of plans...NOBODY inform me...at all...and worried that i'll be talked bad that i wont wanna come back for the meeting, i purposedly asked my mom to cook dinner earlier so i can be back early for the meeting...but u guys just decided to delay it..when we've already agree on the time..and didnt even care to inform me..whom u guys made me as the leader...i did not ask for it...but since u guys made the decision,shouldnt u think that to show a tiny tad of respect if u guys wanna delay the meeting???no u guys didnt inform me...u guys informed another person...so...the question here is..who is HUEYHSIANG??who is ur HOUSEMATE??

and right from the beginning, i didnt even scold or what..i'm just asking u guys how come the last minute changes??and not informing me at all??and then..there u go...accusing me that i'm not understanding and i''m having intentions...so is these fair to me???think about it...

nobody is selfless..NOBODY...so from now on..i'm gonna be as selfish as all the ppl out there...i'm not gonna be goody-two-shoes anymore...

and thankx alot to those who trully cares...

=(

极度灰心到我根本没有mood要吃我的晚餐。

i heard an aunty said that...sometimes when 你对人家好，especially 你的朋友，他们未必会对你好，反而会作出伤害你的事情。我觉得非常有道理。sometimes i'm so damn sick of it, but i just kept quiet and keep everything to myself, or pretending that i dunno, dun care, never seen..but sometimes its just 令我太过disappointed, 就好像这次。。。sometimes when you wish that someone would just understand how you feel, and just stand right by ur side to support you...but too bad, 我找不到这样的一个人在我的身边。往往都是我一个人孤身作战，就显得我是坏人。。。

人生啊。。。

快要崩溃了。。。好想哭哦。。。

Lava Lava...

the weather's been really unbearably hot!!! and i've been sweating like mad even when i'm sleeping...this is crazy..please give us some rain...its almost unbearable especially during the night...=(

this is a crazy month for me..being so busy, and extra busy this month, no excuse for me for being lazy at all..althoug i admit that i've lazying around a lil more than i should, especially when grad is just around the corner..counting down to less than 2 weeks...yet i dont really feel much for it...it doesnt seem real, or maybe i'm just refuse to accept the fact that i'm leaving my uni life, to being a working adult in the society...i think imma gonna miss it much...=( speaking of my preparation for grad...seriously i dont think i'm ready at all, but i know this is what i gotta do, and so i must go for it, do my best. funny thing, during my first rehearsals at the BOS Hall with Ms. Choi, i think i played rather well that day, not bothered much by the new Steinway; but just now's group class, it was a total mess..i guess its the audience and the croud which i'm not used to...and this is something really bad, which i desperately need to overcome before my grad so i wont mess it up...sometimes i wish Ms. Choi would tell me more on where and how i should improve on my pieces, but she doesnt..she didnt say much...does it means that i'm almost ready or she doesnt think that i could change anything on my pieces in such short time??

group class just now was a huge mess...slips and wrong notes in all pieces, and Mendelssohn was a rush...why am i so bothered with the presence of audience?? sigh...i almost bang my head on the wall to make a hole so that i could hide myself inside...=( this is bad...so if imma to play like that, how am i gonna pass my grad recital??sometimes i think i'm just taking everything too easily since my rehearsal in BOS hall.. and after group class just now, it put me back on track that i SHOULD BE WORRIED bout my grad...

anyways...been spending money like nobody's business since end of last month..just in these two weeks i've spend so much...

i've dyed my hair, which according to my hair stylist, i'm not even dying my hair..=S but i swear is obvious in real life...i think i'm gonna get nagging again when i go home this weekend, or i'm lucky enough to pass it thru if my mom wont notice, just like the first time i dyed my hair 2 years ago..she only questioned me like after 6 months or so after i dyed my hair...she's funny...


and i've bought clothes..at one go...a trip down to Pavillion and i'm dry when i came back home..lolz...but i swear the most expensive one is the black&white striped one piece dress which cost under 70bucks..oh yea..the purple dress is about 70 something, bought it last last weekend..well nevermind..coz i need nicer working clothes anyways since i'm going to be working full time next month onwards...good investments...=D *self-console...so sad...*

oh yea...last weekend after work, i stayed back in MV to kai kai..and i spend some of my allowance on buying new lingeries for myself..2 bras and one undies cost almost as much as my boughts above...so u do the counting urself...XD


so, now i'm dried on cash..wonder how am i gonna survive the remaining month...*die*