幸福，其实可以很简单。

突然间安静了下来，还真的会有一点不习惯，虽然你只来了8天。
开心的时刻总是过的特别快，你又得回去了。
想着想着，才发觉到，
我要的幸福，其实可以很简单。

还记得那时你陪我一同来到了这陌生的地方，陪着我，好让我稳定下来。
你带着我，帮我买下我需要用到的日常用品，包括厨房及卧室的用品。
好奇的我，问了你为什么要买手电筒， 你说你知道我怕黑暗，所以买了一个放在床边，如果停电时，不必慌张，随手就可以拿得到。

一转眼，6个月后，你又在一次来到英国来看我，陪我。
知道吝啬，不舍得花钱的我，你一直都带着我去吃好的，帮我买许多食物存着，在我电话卡里存了一些钱，还带我去shopping。
我不让你乱花钱，但你却只说，没关系，有我在，我可以support你，帮你买些你想要的东西。
虽然我的blackberry 不见了，但是你买了iphone 给我。我也没有怪你把它弄丢。我真的没有生气，只是有一些不舍得那个电话，毕竟已经用了2年多，有感情。

今天，我再一次送你去机场，把你送走。
打开我的包包里，看到了batterypack。
我问你，为什么把它带了出来？因为包包会重。
你说因为iphone的battery 不能last得很久，带在身上，以防电话没电时可以马上充电。

我的幸福，可以没有华丽的衣裳，很多名贵的包包，每天大鱼大肉。
有你在我身边，我就可以在你小小的一举一动里，感到满满的幸福。

突然觉得我做得不够好，我得好好努力才行。=）

153天后，我们再见。



爱你的，
laobi. xoxo =)

 

气球

气球，自由自在地飘着。
你，就像是那个气球，
随风而飘。

我，提着缎带，
看着气球，
随着我的手而动了起来。

看着你，被我拉下来，
又慢慢的，飘回上去。

我觉得你好漂亮，好轻盈的飘动着。
我好羡慕你得自在，好想你一直陪在我身边，我好开心。

可是，又会觉得我限制了你的自由，
操控了你的方向。

我犹豫不决，
始终放不了。

我该怎么做才好?
该把你留在我身边，让我们一起去探索，
还是，一手把你放开？

Keep Calm

There's no point crying over spilled milk. What you really should do, is to stay composed and find the best solution to the problem. Keep calm.

Feeling better today, perhaps i was quite busy running from one class to another, from one practice room to the next, it actually stopped me from thinking the unnecessary. Its better to find something to focus on in the mean time.

I'm waiting for the right time, to do the right thing. One day i could proudly say this: well, at least i've tried my best.

There's really no point mopping around outside. But i know, sometimes you just cant control what your heart feels. I must stay compose, still go on with what i need to do everyday, while have faith, trust God, and be patient.

Its doing the right thing at the right time. At least i now know what mistakes i've made, and i know how i can better now.

True or False

I've heard so many different things from different people.
I'm in a very confused state now. There are just so many question marks i wish i could find answers to them.
I wish i could talk to you, and really try to understand what you want, what u meant by those words.
But i know when i tried, you'll just escape it, not wanting to answer them by telling me not to confuse you.
Are you stressed out and mad right now that you just dun want to think about whats going on, or you've made up your mind but you dont dare to tell me the truth?

I wish there's something i can still hold on to, a small tiny hope, that one day, we'll be okay.
Am i just fooling myself? I really dont know what is right, whats not, and what is true and whats fake.
I'm drowning....

Beautiful

One of those nights, when you woke up from your sleep, disrupted sleep.
No, it wasnt nightmares, it wasnt sad dreams.

I dreamt of you, us, our past, our dreams, our future.
It was so beautiful, i was supposed to wake up from them, smiling...
but all i felt were heartaches, sadness, regrets.

It was so beautiful, i thought they were real.

I woke up crying, with sadness, with regrets.
hugged my pillow so tightly to ease the pain in my chest,
and then, i fell back into sleep, again...

that cycle repeated for at least 5 times in one night...
the pain...


it was so beautiful, so real...



but you are crying...

When it crawls up on you

The fear for silence has never been greater before. When it crawls up on you, it suffocates you with its delicate and caressing touch. Entering slowly, just like the smoke onto the performing stage, it eats you up without you noticing, without you realizing. And the next thing you know, you cant breathe, your heart hurts. You're fighting against the pain, fighting so hard against it but to no avail. You know you'll lose no matter how hard you try. Why try anyway? Perhaps it'll get weaker and weaker by each day, and finally you'll be able to win the battle?

Don't kid yourself, child.

They say, time will heal all wounds, no matter how deep and long they are.
If i'm an inventor, i'd invent a kind of pill to stop the pain, for i, know how devastating it can be, how it can kill one, from the inside, out.

Mask, pretty masks.
We need them, we wear them. To hide, to perform, to show the world, what we want to hide from others.
She may seem alright from the outside, but no one would knows how much she's hurting behind those smiles, behind the masks she puts up every single day.

The fear for silence, the fear of time.
The use of mask, and to hide the pain with a smile on the face.


Let the dust settle...
but i wonder, how long will it take...
what will we see after the dust has finally settled?



Save me...


please...

The Odds

Is it too naive to think that a LDR can last for 4 years? I cant help but keep wondering what are the odds if we did not choose to take different roads two nights ago. Previously i kept telling myself, just bear with whatever that happens until march, and when we see each other, we'll be able to sort things out. Distance is the killer for all efforts. Perhaps, seeing each other wouldnt worsen the matter and situation? Lets say we managed to pass thru this year without breaking up, what are the odds again for the next year? the following years that we are going to be apart?

Is it true that no matter what, this relationship is doomed, not to last?

It was a painful move to make. But i cant hurt you anymore. Things will worsen if anyone of us is unhappy, which we will then affect each other. I was forced to let go. I'd take the suffering, in change for your freedom, your happiness.

I believe my weight is dropping drastically now, started from last week, up til an extend i was shocked when i looked at myself in the mirror this morning while getting dressed up to go school. I looked like a cancer patient. Thats when i know, thats the limit! I forced myself to eat even when i dont feel like eating. My body needs the energy more, especially now, during winter.

I know i must take care of myself. No more being immature. I'm responsible for myself. So what if i starve myself? so what if i became too thin and skinny? nobody's going to pity me. You're not going to care anymore, i know. No matter how much i feel like throwing up the food that i've stuffed into my mouth, i'll still make myself swallow it down. Love yourself, before loving other people. if you dont, nobody's going to love you.

No matter how hard it takes, i'll force myself to walk thru, even if it hurts...

i wish the best, for you... 只要你幸福，快乐，我什么都可以无所谓。

thank you, for the most beautiful dream i've ever had so far.

后悔，太迟。。。

也许，放手，你会更快乐。
现在的我，很后悔。
如果我可以早点领悟，早点改，
也许，今天的我们，就不会分离。

这次需付出的代价，太大了。
是否要失去你，我才会学习？
一切的一切，我后悔，太迟了。。。

Not an issue

Perseverance is gold. Master it, and you'll not do thing that you'll regret.

忍声吞气，你要知道，生气的时候，什么东西都看起来是错的。
忍着，不要意气用事，做或讲一些你冷静下来后会后悔的东西。
我忍，脾气不好的我，没有安全感的我，没有办法。
再生气，再难过，都一定要忍。
忍一忍，海阔天空，而且事情并没有想像得那么糟。
信任，是别人给你的，也是你给你自己，与别人的。
相信自己，是你的，就是你的，不是你的，有一天也会离你而去。
再气，再难过，忍一忍，就会过去的。
没有什么是难忍的。


Trust Yourself.

First Step

There are always many sides to a matter. To see it as a good thing, a bad one, a happy one, or an upsetting one, its in our hands to decide how we wanna see it, and how we want to feel about it.

I'm happy that, perhaps i've succeeded in learning to let go, taking baby steps. Why not ask ourselves when something happen: why must we pick up only the bad and negative side towards a matter, but not the good and positive side of it?

We're individual of our own, we make our own choice in life. No doubt there needs to have sincere and honest communication, to have understanding, but that doesnt mean that one should affect another's decision in life. As long as its not a bad thing, why not just let go... just like babies learn to take their first step out, you cant always hold on to them, not letting them fall. Babies wont learn to walk that way. Only by falling, one learns to pick up oneself, and learn to walk, starting with baby steps. Eventually, one learns to walk faster, then run.

爱，不是要掌控对方的一切。
爱，是要支持对方，
无论决定是好是坏，都知道有对方的支持。

爱，不是终身的保护，
要跌倒，才懂得自己爬起来，
再学会走。

放下面子，放下高昂的尊严，
不是你所说的都是对的，
别人也不一定错。

爱，不是形影不离，
爱，是互相扶持，互相尊重，互相关怀，互相礼让。

放下一切，拥有开心，与自由。

Heartbreak Saturday, Heartbreak Everyday

The process of learning to let go, consist of unstoppable heartbreak moment. But i keep telling myself, "its ok that it hurts, it means that i'm still alive, it is still working, and one day it'll not hurt me anymore." Its painful, its hurtful, its full of disappointment. But its okay. This is part of growing up.

Learn to control yourself, remember, breathe deep, keep quiet, keep breathing. Do not say things that you will regret once you have calm down. Learning to let go, is learning to love yourself more, to treat yourself better.

Not everything is in our control, not everything needs to be controlled. Remember that.

渴望

人类就是那么奇怪的一种动物，
犯践吗？你可以这么说。
往往我们都想要得到得不到的东西与事物，
又忽略了我们身边的人，甚至根本不懂得珍惜我们说有的一切，
直到我们失去了，才发觉到我们做错了。

觉悟，往往都发生的太迟。
你会去想，去渴望，
以前对你的好，都不见了。
到底是谁的错？
是时间，是距离。

人，一定会改变。
步伐，也会变得不一样。
那，我们的结局会是怎样？

学会放下，就会慢慢学会放过自己。
执著，不一定能挽回不见的一切。
孤单时，会期望有你的陪伴，
但很多时候，还是含着眼泪，一天一天的过，
 告诉自己，要坚强。
有希望，就等于失望。
我会告诉自己，不再对你抱着希望。


我们，都不一样了。

失望

我要的安慰，你没给。
以前的温柔，在哪里？
你不明白，只会冷酷的叫我不要气，
那你明白吗？
你又尝试温柔的安慰我吗？
冷酷无情的你，我要的安慰，你没给。

在走下去，我们还剩什么？
现在看来，不太可观。
你说你有关心，真的，有吗？
请不要随便敷衍我两句，
那还比不说来得更伤心。
冷酷无情的你，我要的安慰，你给不了。
失望，是一波接着一波。
我要的，你已经不管，你没给，你也给不了。

今天的你，快乐吗？

Sometimes its as though we woke up at the wrong side of the bed, and today is one of those days. I couldnt tell what was wrong, but all i know was that i felt horrible when i woke up. I skipped my practise this morning, losing the chance to play on a grand, and chose to sleep in. Only woke up around noon, and finally decided to drag my ass off to school after munching down a double choc muffin with a glass of milk. 

Only practised for 2 hours plus, managed to covered whatever i planned, but i was upset at the fact that i couldnt rehearse with my accompanist. Competition's drawing near and it kinda gets on my nerves, having not rehearse the 3rd movement of the Mozart K488 with Johan. 

Came back after practise, felt worse and i seriously do not know why! I couldnt even fake a smile. Forced myself to chat, but i couldnt be bothered much, really. Sometimes actions are just done out of courtesies, and today was one of those times. I feel bad for it, but i cant be bothered? I know i'm difficult to be handled today, feeling down no matter what. 

Finally, it snowed here in Birmingham. After living for 24 years, my very first time, i've witnessed and experienced snowing. It was pretty, and the presence of them actually lifted my spirits. I was happier upon seeing snow. I know i'm silly, like a small lil girl got a barbie doll for her birthday. 

Until you, said something. Now, why do i still feel i'm the only who cared about the distance and time? Maybe i've put too much thought in it...Not knowing what will happen, not having a plan, is the worst feeling ever, for me, at least. Alas, i fnally know what is wrong with me for the past one week or so...Insecurities been staying within me, for the past one week, and it is slowly eating me up.

Thank you, for your kind and truthful words. I've always blinded by pretty lies that i made up myself so that i'll feel better and happy all the time. Silly me. =)




今天的我，很不开心。

Nobody asked, they told me instead.






As though anyone cared...at all...

I'm Back

Its been more than a year since i least blogged. Finally take the effort to log into blogger, only to find that everything has changed...guess its been THAT long. 

I"m currently studying in UK. Looking back about a year ago, went for auditions and was waiting for the audition results. Time flies. Many things happened. 2012 had been a good year for me, a fruitful one actually. The previous years had been rather fulfilling as I was always on the go, striving and achieving everything i can in my life. And after so many years, here i am, abroad, fulfilling one of the things i wanna achieve in life. This is not easy. I've been here for 4 months, filled with plenty of ups and downs. To be honest, more downs than ups. I know this is a path i've chose to take, and i shall just brace myself and finish up. After all, it'll be done in 8 more months, and I'll be able to return to my home, for good.

I've never noticed, i'm a person who's always in need of plans. I planned everything in my life. Where to work, what exams to take, where to go, where do i see myself in 5 years...everything has been planned out accordingly and all i needed to do was just to follow them and do them at the right time. Leaving my home, was an act, a brave one, that i'll ever take. Finally understand that, no matter how well you plan your life, it will still take its course. Everything had been unplanned much, every step was taken with much cautions, not knowing what are the consequences that comes with it. And even knowing that, you have to prepare yourself, to expect the unexpected. 

It's been a rather lonely journey here. 8 more months of loneliness. I'm not talking about not talking to anyone, or just being alone most of the time. Well, i'm more of an alone person now than ever, sometimes even feeling scared, or worried about encountering people. More introverted? Maybe. It is true, that i do enjoy being alone most of the time. Sometimes i really feel tired to even be bothered with petty things, things in life that doesnt really matter much to me in this phase. I may sound like i'm a cold person, maybe i may even look like one. Well, i've always lived by the motto: You have to do what you gotta do. 

I'm trying very hard, to push away all insecurities, the feeling of uncertainties, trying hard to trust my instincts, to trust people's words. I've known, i'll need to work my way to it for wanting something, there's no free lunch in this world. Thats why i've mentioned, its very lonely here, the people who understood me is not with me, the people i need to have right by my side, is not around. Yeah that may even sounded very childish and immature. I guess thats just showed how weak of a person i am, how insecured i am, after all these years. 

I've asked myself lately, is it too much for wanting what i want? is that really too much to ask? do they even exist? am i looking for someone who doesnt even exist in this world? In the midst on trying so hard to find the one, i've lost myself, in all ways...I often take things for granted. Dont get me wrong. I do appreciate the good things and good people that comes into my life, i do. Just that i tend to forget after a while, when i'm in my comfort zone. 

So now i've decided, comfort zone is bad for me, that is when i let my guards down and then my true self will destroy all that i've wanted. Is there really some one who will accept me for who i am? is that even possible with that phrase that goes 照单签收？

I've been rather distracted for the past week, didnt really catch up with my thesis and essays. Once i stop watching dramas, my mind would wanders away, and i would start thinking a lot. Looking forward to keep myself extremely busy, or find a way to numb myself, my brain, my heart. But, how?