Someone Important

My back is recovering i hope coz it doesnt hurt as much as few days back..though i still cant really bend much n i move around like an old lady...lol.. been dwelling alot in my inner thoughts...and sad to say its bad, negative thoughts..i feel horrible to be honest, bout myself, bout the things i do, bout the things i do as my career. every now and then i keep question myself: what am i doing? i juggle too many balls in my hand..and i thought i can hold them nicely with two small hands of mine, but lately i feel that i'm grasping on sand, fine sand that tends to slip away from the finger gaps..there's not one thing that i can master well..i'm neither here nor there..doing things the wrong way...ended up becoming a piece of rubbish...
i'd ask myself, why do i keeping putting down myself?? beat up myself all the time? answer's simple...coz i feel like a piece of shit...i cant play the piano well, i cant sing well..and my violin playing sounds like shit...so...what have i been doing for the past year?? am i slacking too much?? or i'm just finding excuses for myself that i'm always too busy working i dont have the time to practise?? my concerntration's not here as how it always did back then...i cant focus like how i used to be...just when i thought i improved...i get the reverse...i cant learn like how i used to...i questioned myself when i was driving this afternoon..how come i'm so stupid and slow when it comes to learning?? simple things n i have a take a long time to learn it?? why??
i feel stupider by each day...


i sincerely hope that i'll be able to pick myself up again soon to get ready for the next big battle..but looking at how negative i can be lately...i'm starting to worry for myself...

we all have problems of all sorts, and for me, it has been never ending, one after another...i put down those petty ones, and deal with those that are more important for myself..looking back at how i felt towards things back then and looking at the same thing that happens now, disappointment is there..but its in a very tiny tinge now...you no longer worth that much to me.."why linger around people who doesnt feel the same for you?" a special friend of mine once told me this..hueyhsiang has been like this since she was young...i treat people with sincerity..with the best i could...but i realise no matter how i hard i try...they'll be someone there to spoil everything for you..or people who just appreciate and see the things that you do for them...you taught me to be strong... and let go what's not important, and hold on to whats important to u...so you showed me how much i meant to you...i saw it, i got it...and i'll never look back again becoz i did what i could, i put in effort but all i got was..no replies, no reaction..i'm not trying to be biggie over petty issues like this...when i make noise, it means that those are issues that matters to me...not coz i like to complain that much...well, all said and done...you wanna be like that, its fine with me..i'll just move on with my life and there's no regret coz i've tried...


you dont need to tell the whole world bout how you feel, just keep it inside of you...that'll do...

Right Back Where We First Started

its random, for wanting to come to this collumn to jot down my 2 cents. i wished i have someone that i could talk to right now, but as always, i'm alone...faithful as always my humble blog awaits me to visit her and sorry to neglect her for almost a year...

My life has changed since my last post in october 2010...i hope i've matured. things are still shitty always..well, thats life isnt it? i remembered telling a student of mine :" life often throw shits at you, learn to deal with these shit and move on." problems always occur around us, inner demons telling you things, leading you to the darker sides...yes i do have my darker moments sometimes, i always have... but it doesnt mean i've given up entirely on things that matters to me...

looking back the past few months, many things have changed...my long term plans has gone down the rubbish bin..my priorities have changed...my life used to resolved mainly around him, it hurts like a bitch when i hit the wall but i never wake up til one time, i really got smacked real hard on my face...thats when no matter how hard you're trying to avoid the problem, it'll just be there, smacked right infront of your face, whether you like it or not. thats when i tell myelf: Clarrise, u seriously have to wake up now! if one dont worth your effort and time, dont waste your time..you wont be younger as each day passes...

yes i've got the courage, to finally take a step out of my comfort zone..but sometimes, u'll wish there's someone else for u to depend on...an assurance...or maybe i've got older now, all i'm looking for is assurance...a certainty in life...life's a bitch, they dont give you what u wished for...so yes, i dont get what i want...but i'll work towards what i intend to acheive for myself...

it's a blessing in disguise when you lose something, u'll gain something else...right now i've another option waiting for me at the other junction right down this path i'm taking...but its one HUGE step...a life-changing decision...i thought i was very brave..i thought i've got the courage to take this leap...and now, here i am...doubting the courage that i used to have..or i thought i had..still thinking if i should go for it, or just stay in my own comfort zone and keep working my ass out...weighing my options i guess...its been a month and i've been thinking alot...yet there's no one i could go to for advise...

someone said i've complained lesser...well simply coz i dont find any point to do so...people get tired after awhile..i dont find it a point to complain something that doesnt matter much to me..simply to waste my energy...you can say that i couldnt care less...yes i am...you can say that i'm cold...maybe i am...when u get all the cold shoulders from others when u tried to reach out, u'll understand how i feel...afterall, i'm only human..

issues and matters running thru my mind, nonstop...i'm sitting here...weighing my options, on the things i should hold on tightly, and also the things that i should let go for my own good...the thing is, when you're older, u tend to be afraid of losing the wrong things...and thats what i'm experiencing now...you'll keep thinking what if the next step that you take is the wrong one?

go figure that out....