My back is recovering i hope coz it doesnt hurt as much as few days back..though i still cant really bend much n i move around like an old lady...lol.. been dwelling alot in my inner thoughts...and sad to say its bad, negative thoughts..i feel horrible to be honest, bout myself, bout the things i do, bout the things i do as my career. every now and then i keep question myself: what am i doing? i juggle too many balls in my hand..and i thought i can hold them nicely with two small hands of mine, but lately i feel that i'm grasping on sand, fine sand that tends to slip away from the finger gaps..there's not one thing that i can master well..i'm neither here nor there..doing things the wrong way...ended up becoming a piece of rubbish...
i'd ask myself, why do i keeping putting down myself?? beat up myself all the time? answer's simple...coz i feel like a piece of shit...i cant play the piano well, i cant sing well..and my violin playing sounds like shit...so...what have i been doing for the past year?? am i slacking too much?? or i'm just finding excuses for myself that i'm always too busy working i dont have the time to practise?? my concerntration's not here as how it always did back then...i cant focus like how i used to be...just when i thought i improved...i get the reverse...i cant learn like how i used to...i questioned myself when i was driving this afternoon..how come i'm so stupid and slow when it comes to learning?? simple things n i have a take a long time to learn it?? why??
i feel stupider by each day...
i sincerely hope that i'll be able to pick myself up again soon to get ready for the next big battle..but looking at how negative i can be lately...i'm starting to worry for myself...
we all have problems of all sorts, and for me, it has been never ending, one after another...i put down those petty ones, and deal with those that are more important for myself..looking back at how i felt towards things back then and looking at the same thing that happens now, disappointment is there..but its in a very tiny tinge now...you no longer worth that much to me.."why linger around people who doesnt feel the same for you?" a special friend of mine once told me this..hueyhsiang has been like this since she was young...i treat people with sincerity..with the best i could...but i realise no matter how i hard i try...they'll be someone there to spoil everything for you..or people who just appreciate and see the things that you do for them...you taught me to be strong... and let go what's not important, and hold on to whats important to u...so you showed me how much i meant to you...i saw it, i got it...and i'll never look back again becoz i did what i could, i put in effort but all i got was..no replies, no reaction..i'm not trying to be biggie over petty issues like this...when i make noise, it means that those are issues that matters to me...not coz i like to complain that much...well, all said and done...you wanna be like that, its fine with me..i'll just move on with my life and there's no regret coz i've tried...
you dont need to tell the whole world bout how you feel, just keep it inside of you...that'll do...
No comments:
Post a Comment