Its been more than a year since i least blogged. Finally take the effort to log into blogger, only to find that everything has changed...guess its been THAT long.
I"m currently studying in UK. Looking back about a year ago, went for auditions and was waiting for the audition results. Time flies. Many things happened. 2012 had been a good year for me, a fruitful one actually. The previous years had been rather fulfilling as I was always on the go, striving and achieving everything i can in my life. And after so many years, here i am, abroad, fulfilling one of the things i wanna achieve in life. This is not easy. I've been here for 4 months, filled with plenty of ups and downs. To be honest, more downs than ups. I know this is a path i've chose to take, and i shall just brace myself and finish up. After all, it'll be done in 8 more months, and I'll be able to return to my home, for good.
I've never noticed, i'm a person who's always in need of plans. I planned everything in my life. Where to work, what exams to take, where to go, where do i see myself in 5 years...everything has been planned out accordingly and all i needed to do was just to follow them and do them at the right time. Leaving my home, was an act, a brave one, that i'll ever take. Finally understand that, no matter how well you plan your life, it will still take its course. Everything had been unplanned much, every step was taken with much cautions, not knowing what are the consequences that comes with it. And even knowing that, you have to prepare yourself, to expect the unexpected.
It's been a rather lonely journey here. 8 more months of loneliness. I'm not talking about not talking to anyone, or just being alone most of the time. Well, i'm more of an alone person now than ever, sometimes even feeling scared, or worried about encountering people. More introverted? Maybe. It is true, that i do enjoy being alone most of the time. Sometimes i really feel tired to even be bothered with petty things, things in life that doesnt really matter much to me in this phase. I may sound like i'm a cold person, maybe i may even look like one. Well, i've always lived by the motto: You have to do what you gotta do.
I'm trying very hard, to push away all insecurities, the feeling of uncertainties, trying hard to trust my instincts, to trust people's words. I've known, i'll need to work my way to it for wanting something, there's no free lunch in this world. Thats why i've mentioned, its very lonely here, the people who understood me is not with me, the people i need to have right by my side, is not around. Yeah that may even sounded very childish and immature. I guess thats just showed how weak of a person i am, how insecured i am, after all these years.
I've asked myself lately, is it too much for wanting what i want? is that really too much to ask? do they even exist? am i looking for someone who doesnt even exist in this world? In the midst on trying so hard to find the one, i've lost myself, in all ways...I often take things for granted. Dont get me wrong. I do appreciate the good things and good people that comes into my life, i do. Just that i tend to forget after a while, when i'm in my comfort zone.
So now i've decided, comfort zone is bad for me, that is when i let my guards down and then my true self will destroy all that i've wanted. Is there really some one who will accept me for who i am? is that even possible with that phrase that goes 照单签收？
I've been rather distracted for the past week, didnt really catch up with my thesis and essays. Once i stop watching dramas, my mind would wanders away, and i would start thinking a lot. Looking forward to keep myself extremely busy, or find a way to numb myself, my brain, my heart. But, how?
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