been hurting myself these few days...things have been extremely hard for me..on me...everyday waking up feeling like shyt...this is not the good time in my life...i've been spiritually down...really down...nothing i could do to make me feel fine....
what am i trying to do??whats hurting me?? why am i doing all these to myself??is it necessary for me to inflict all those pain to myself and hurt myself so much?? what am i trying to avoid??what am i trying to deny??
before this..i can tell you that i'm very much a troubled young adult...with all the problems and stuff pouring down on her like there's no ending to it...i swear...there's no ending to it...its been weeks since i could stop right in track and breathe real deep, real hard....times are hard...especially when ur in ur final year...assignment pilling up high and in a blink of an eye..its not funny at all...and mind you..these assignments of mine are not those easy finger clicking easy kinda assignment....i've got this stack of articles to read about on futurism...and after days of reading it...i just couldnt understand well what the heck its trying to talk about...seriously..and best part of all..i'll need to write a short essay and a long one base on this topic....how great u tell me...and its gonna be graded as the finals of this subject...so i'm actually risking my own result....dont tell me or ask me why i choose this topic...coz its not my first choice...its not up to me to choose i'm telling you...
i just managed to finish up the conducting skills report based on the class which i was absent...coz i was sick last week....and i gotta write a report base on a class that i never attend...how ironic...so to be really honest..i'd watched the clips of the class..but i couldnt hear a single word..so i just crapped about it...and hope that my lecturer doesnt stumble upon my blog....
tried to practise my piano earlier on...but i just couldnt get the touch of it...no idea how to play it...gosh i HATE Mozart...i tried searching for the mozart sonata on Youtube..hoping that i can see someone else plays it and at least try to capture the idea behind this piece..but guess what...there's only 1st movement available...and among the 3 movements, i understand the 1st one most..so i need the 2nd and 3rd movements..but there arent any!!!!...jury's in less than 2 weeks time...and my playing is all over the place...my Chopin Fantasy Impromtu is in a huge mess...running notes..my arms are not strong enough...my fingers are weak...my playing is totally all over the place...one word...MESSY to describe the pieces imma going to play for jury..so i'm very worried bout it right now..i wanna do well for my Jury....
vocal exams in june...i'm too stressed to be thinking bout it right now...i was trying to figure out solutions for my problems earlier on when i was doing my laundry...if i get to choose..i wanna stop my vocal lessons for some time...but i've already paid up the exam fees..and there's no turning back...another solution is to bail out on accompaniment job for someone..i'm really having problems coping...if i'm gonna be real broke or not having extra pocket money..let it be then...i'm too stressed right now to think of other ppl's problems..but this i still gotta discuss with my vocal teacher 2mr...ever since i fell sick last week...i tried to sing..but i couldnt sing well...and now that i'm much much better..almost fully recovered..i practise abit.but i'm not sure whether my techniques are right or wrong...just hope that i got them right...and i was thinking of stopping Dithyrambic for a month...to focus on my exams and to take a short break...its not final yet...still thinking bout it...i look like a huge coward for backing out from all my problems, or backing out from all possible ways...i have no choice but to do so..coz what i'm going thru right now..its beyond words could explain or describe....i used to settle problems one at a time...but now..it just wont work anymore....everything come crashing down upon me...i'm suffocating..i'm dying..
this are only the problems that could be settle right now right in this semester...how bout next sem???i need to find a pianist for my piano concerto next sem...die...everyone's so busy with exams and studies...who can help me?
i tried forcing myself to cry...tried to let loose...tears did not came out...i'm already close to the brink of running away from reality..the thought of doing something really stupid came into my mind...i'm very weak...to even think about it...i knew it well..that running away is not a solution to problems..it never did...but why did i even dare to think about it??i guess it showed how desperate i am...desperately grasping for a string that i held my life onto, desperately grasping for air in a vacuum...
if it wasnt for you daniel....i think i'll still be very troubled right now....thank you for spending time trying to dig out my real problems beneath this all...all though til now i still dunno what are the pain that i'm self inflicting on...you were right...i've been hurting myself lately...thanks for making me see it finally...coz i couldnt figure it out anyways...u've seen me emo countless of times...thanks for being there for me...although i'm still gonna bother you much every now and then...
i can see that i'm still gonna keep on hurting myself every now and then...til the day that wounds heal entirely and became scars...but now...those are half bleeding half healing wounds...and as if they were casted spells where they couldnt heal entirely...becoz when they try to....the wounds will automatically cut open by itself and fresh blood come gushing out like fresh wounds...
all i can do right now is to be really strong...although its never enough..it never did...and pray hard, hoping that God will cut me some slacks in everything i do....how much is enough??or there's no such word exist in ur dictionary?
Self Inflicted Pain.....foolish you say??? a way out i say....
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