it wasnt the greatest time in my life, it is in fact now the worse that i've been thru...no more stupid childish problems that we cry over when we feel sad or stressed out...commitments, long-term plans, life aims...how does it feel like when all those things that used to be very important to you, suddenly became pointless? what can we really do bout it? what is the reason behind the things we do?
sometimes just when i think that i'm having the toughest, biggest, the worst things happening to me, thats when i realise that it was nothing huge compared to what some others are going thru...and to really laugh at myself...so what was i expecting to get from people when i tell them? am i begging for their sympathy? am i asking for solutions? should i share it with others? there wasnt once in my life that i kept something so quietly, inside of me...i dunno how to deal with it becoz i'm a coward. since when going home became a duty, rather than an action out of willingness? since when going home sounded like a bad idea that even other people can see right from my face?
it wasnt until that day that i found out that i needed music so much to drown out the noise, that i switch it on so loud that its almost gonna burst my eardrums...to stop myself from hearing those meanful words thrown around like that...it was the worst place to be at, at that time..it was just the wrong timing, wrong place...but i didnt had the choice..even though i've plucked on to my ipod, blasting the music to the loudest i can...i still hear things that i didnt want to hear...it wasnt pleasant at all..seeing things falling apart right infront of ur own eyes...
thats when i needed to take up the responsibilities, although i'm not asked to do that...but i know thats something i need to do...thats the least i can do for them...
sometimes we need to control our behavior at the right place, the right time...no matter how stressed out we are..we just cant use that as a valid reason to throw a fit infront of other people..it was such a huge shame...that all i could do was just sit there and look...feeling very devastated simply not coz i was upset by other's behavior...but upset coz i was misunderstood...and seeing something of myself which i hate to admit it, even though i know i'm like that...that i hate to think of it..coz if i do...it'll only remind myself that i hate myself even more..
suddenly everything seems unclear to me...the things that i'm doing...i never realise that i was such an unhappy person...i never realise that i stopped being myself becoz of the person they want me to be...i stopped being happy for going home...i never realise that what i have now suddenly just became pointless when the things i thought would last forever just blew up right infront of me into shreds of clothes, like it doesnt worth of anything at all..it pains me to see it, to feel it...so if something i thought was so perfect could end up like that...what is the point of me going thru it now??? what is the point of me having high hopes for the future when the prettiest things doesnt even stay pretty anymore??
do we need a valid reason for everything we do?? or we just act according to how we feel??
i think i'm crapping at this point...i'm simply complaining too much..which is something i really hate myself for doing so...so i'll just shut up here....
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