Worthy

okay..this is something worth blogging about...
seriously why is everything so wrong today...woke up with a heavy head..i feel dizzy since i woke up...thought going to class will make myself feel better..but wrong!!! nothing seems to be right..so...i just try to channel my focus on something else...and just now i almost got into an accident...i nearly hit ppl's car..luckily that nigerian or whoever is kind enough..he wasnt pleased coz i almost hit his car..but i apologized quickly..then he said its ok..no problem..and luckily...LUCKILY...nothing happened to both of our cars...sigh..whats the problem with me??? how i can i even step on the accelerator when its in reverse gear...so please kill me..i tell you...seriously my day has just gone from bad to worse...

imagine...what if i really hit his car??how am i gonna explain to my dad??and i think i'll be in a deep deep trouble if i did...sigh...so i think i should be greatful...=(

but still...i feel terrible right now...

Chemistry

up to a point in life where i dont feel that i'm respected.. always living a life to please the people around you. its funny how a person live their live..one may be living their own way, not bothering how people think of himself, and another doing all sorts of things to please other people, but not himself. life is sad..really...sometimes i think back, why do i work so hard??in the end, what do i get? so if i've reach my aim??what is for??

i used to be valued for who i am...and i'm not now..maybe i'm just invisible, feelingless, or a piece of rubbish...i used to enjoy life so much, spending time with those that i love. but now i find myself looking for more job opportunity, to make a living of my own...now i realise that in order to survive it aint easy...and i think i cant even survive...so most of the time i spend thinking of ways of how to save as much as i can and where to look for job...i've becoming money faced..its all about the money...and yet i worked so hard for the money...it aint enough..its like it doesnt mean anything to me...

come to think of it...whats worth with my life and the things that i'm doing right now???

its like....P.O.I.N.T.L.E.S.S......

Edge of the Cliff

its a gruelsome time for me since weeks ago..i admit that i've taken things to easily..thinking that aaaahhhh it'll be okay...right til few weeks back when i trully woke up from my dream to realise that i'm not left with much time to work on things that i havent been doing since months ago...i keep putting myself on the edge of a cliff..on and off telling myself that i should stop dreaming and start working my ass off...and some time i let myself to slow things down...

i'm not on my bestest days, bestest moment of my life...i'm not feeling fine..i'm always worn out everyday despite having more than enough sleeps...i feel extraordinaryly tired, never like before..and its unexplainable..up til night when i'm dead tired, i'm lying on bed, worrying about my GR..and there are nights when i just couldnt sleep worrying bout it...wanting to lock myself into a piano room that is if i have one, and practise til i drop..sometimes when i have other things to do, i seek relaxation, telling myself that i really need one..and once i fall, i really fall deep...and it takes so much effort to pull myself back into place...and once i'm in work, i wont stop...i feel like doing my program note now even though i'm dead tired, having been working whole day...

i think i'm nearing the point of breaking down..every now and then i talk about suicide, giving up..i keep forcing myself to keep going and going and going and i once i do i cant stop..coz if i do, i'll break down immensely...i feel so tired..i really wanna give up...i'm in a truckload of stress and i dunno how much more of these i could handle...at one point where i keep doubting about my skills and ability, and at another i'll convince myself that i'm doing alright...its like i have double identity and mind...split personality...am i sick???

i know i dont have a choice to choose if i get to stop or what...coz all these while i've been working my ass out pleasing people...and i've neglected myself...my needs...

i'm always sitting on top of the sharp knife so i'm wide aware of what i need to do...and that i'm always cautious and conscious of what i should do..and just focus and keep going nonstop...

i'm dead tired....

is there a way out??

When U Dont Need to Say a Word

title of this post..says exactly how i feel these few days...sometimes i really find myself working my ass out to make people happy...yea they do..pretend to be infront of me..and then i accidentally heard what they really have to say...and i'm totally not pleased about it...sometimes its not the things that counts but the thoughts behind the things.so what'd ya expect if ur paying a few bucks for some cheap ass stuff when u didnt even make an effort to get the thing.and when u finally sees it then u start to give lots of comments like..how come it look so dead...should have got it from other places...and HAH!!!! i was nearby and i heard every single word...seriously E.V.E.R.Y. S.I.N.G.L.E. W.O.R.D. crystal clear...seriously lo...that is something that u really dont need to do..really..and i would greatly appreciate that...and so..thats one issue...i guess i already fell out of the place...coz most of the time i feel left out..and guess what!!! nobody even bother to explain or to tell me..they're just in their lil own world..laughing away at their inside joke...how funny....seriously...i did not enjoy one bit of that night...not even the tiniest bit...and then when i asked to take pic using my cam..i was I.G.N.O.R.E.D. totally...i said a few times..no one cares to listen anyway..coz they're too busy talking with other people about their cool gadgets...so i just walked away..pretending that nothing happened...and i gotta see all those stupid showing off acts right infront of my eyes..seriously...there is no one word to describe...



so this is the feeling of being left out...how do ya feel??great??





another thing i find it so ironic...its when people starting to poke their nose into people's business and start to give advise as though they're the pro in that matter..and when ur telling me that i should be like this..like that...and then behind me...u talking bad about me on what i did...infront of him...asking his point of view regarding my attitude and behavior...seriously i dont need this at all..this is so Hypocritical!!!!what are u trying to point out??what are u trying to achieve??stop talking so much when ur not even a good example to refer to...





people dont do such a thing to other people, people...u get my point...guess this is my life..always ending up in the same position over and over again...

thats why i say...i always dont get to voice out while some does...and is it better if i just dont say a word???pretending that i never heard, never know, never seen, dont have feelings, am invisible???