Edge of the Cliff

its a gruelsome time for me since weeks ago..i admit that i've taken things to easily..thinking that aaaahhhh it'll be okay...right til few weeks back when i trully woke up from my dream to realise that i'm not left with much time to work on things that i havent been doing since months ago...i keep putting myself on the edge of a cliff..on and off telling myself that i should stop dreaming and start working my ass off...and some time i let myself to slow things down...

i'm not on my bestest days, bestest moment of my life...i'm not feeling fine..i'm always worn out everyday despite having more than enough sleeps...i feel extraordinaryly tired, never like before..and its unexplainable..up til night when i'm dead tired, i'm lying on bed, worrying about my GR..and there are nights when i just couldnt sleep worrying bout it...wanting to lock myself into a piano room that is if i have one, and practise til i drop..sometimes when i have other things to do, i seek relaxation, telling myself that i really need one..and once i fall, i really fall deep...and it takes so much effort to pull myself back into place...and once i'm in work, i wont stop...i feel like doing my program note now even though i'm dead tired, having been working whole day...

i think i'm nearing the point of breaking down..every now and then i talk about suicide, giving up..i keep forcing myself to keep going and going and going and i once i do i cant stop..coz if i do, i'll break down immensely...i feel so tired..i really wanna give up...i'm in a truckload of stress and i dunno how much more of these i could handle...at one point where i keep doubting about my skills and ability, and at another i'll convince myself that i'm doing alright...its like i have double identity and mind...split personality...am i sick???

i know i dont have a choice to choose if i get to stop or what...coz all these while i've been working my ass out pleasing people...and i've neglected myself...my needs...

i'm always sitting on top of the sharp knife so i'm wide aware of what i need to do...and that i'm always cautious and conscious of what i should do..and just focus and keep going nonstop...

i'm dead tired....

is there a way out??