无力

我是抱着怎样的心态来写下这一篇文章？

我自己也不晓得。。。

也许是小心奕奕的。。。

很害怕自己会写错东西

而让你误会了我对你的感觉

不再想为自己带来更多的遗憾

在这短短的一个星期内

我已充满了无数的遗憾与后悔



我下了好大好大的决心

不再联络你

当时我的心仿佛不断地被撕开

但今天的我有一些高兴

因为我这样的决定

能让我能好好的习惯一个人的生活

请不要误会

不是我要离开你

而那是你已做出的选择

但如果还有机会

这并不会是我的选择



我不会赞同你所做出的决择

因为你的离去

也把我一切的希望，愿望，梦想，给带走了。



如今，我每天是如何得过日子？

这，连我自己也不知道

不再对每天有任何的期望

就一天过一天



我不再对任何东西做出任何规划

我以后会是一个怎样的人，

会过些怎样的生活，

会跟怎样的一个人过一辈子，

我已不想再去理会。

但我一定不会抛弃我的学业

因为我不想浪费我爸妈辛苦赚的钱



无时无刻我还是在想你

我还爱你吗？

这。。。仍然还深深的爱着你

几天前的我，

还很希望能和你在一起。

但慢慢的。。。

我已不在抱着分希望。

就让时间来断定一切



一年前，

我仍然紧紧的握着

对你那份疲惫的执着；

但一年后，

我已太疲倦了

我的手

已慢慢的松开

对于一切的一切

我已无力去理会

因为根本就轮不到我来理会。



不知道我们是否会有将来

不知道，我这样的不联络你

会不会是永恒的不道而别

虽然，我还是很希望你会主动的找我

但我需要等多久？？

几天？

几个礼拜？

几个月？

一年？

几年后？

还是永恒？

我不知道。。。





现在，我也只能见步走步。。。

hoping for the best in everything...

Pointless

what more can i say...
what more can i do...
nothing...

its like stranded on an island
with nothing at all...

u've changed...
so do i...

moto of my life = 0

i've lost in my own tracks...
no longer know which way is the exit...or the entrance..
my life is dimmed...
darkness everywhere...
i cant feel, i cant see, i cant touch...
i just fall rite there...
although my tiny heart wishing there's someone who'll come and safe me...
but i know it well..no there wont be anyone...
even i dun wanna safe myself...
i'm giving up on myself...

i've changed...into someone that i no longer know of...i'm bitter, i'm sad..i'm in rage...i dunno what else there is in me...coz i cant feel anymore..i dont know who am i anymore...i'm a stranger to myself..and i dun have the intentions of looking for myself...coz its just pointless...

people, waking up everyday to have someone, something to look forward to...me...nothing...like he said.."it may be raining storm now...but how long can it rain??" but to me...i dun see the rain have any intention in stopping at all...

i've change...into something horible..that i myself no longer can take control, and i myself is terified of ...


i'm nothing but a monster...

Sinking

as predicted...i woke up feeling like shyt...read thru all the messages u send to me...how sweet those memories were..suddenly...180 degrees change...still abit hard to accept all these...but i gotta somehow...hugged spongebob really close to me..and forced myself back to sleep again...

yesterday i drove out alone..i brought spongebob with me too...as a company...funny thing my mom just laughed at me why i brought out my soft toy with me...she didnt asked anything..somemore ask if i need to use the car today anot...but i declined to their offer...wish i hadnt..aih..

guess they knew that something huge just happened...

hueyhsiang oh hueyhsiang...u shouldnt be thinking too much already...better focus on exam, xmas carolling, s'pore performance and studies...u keep saying that give him time and space, go with the flow and see how things will turn out..but on the other hand u cant even let go...STOP IT!!!!!

how to let go la u tell me...wish i could die and everything would be easier for us both...i wouldnt need to suffer, and he wont have me pestering him all the time...giving him pressure...its like a win-win situation...

after the phone call...u gave me more reason to let go...
maybe i really should...
how silly i was...

maybe i'm saying all these now is coz i'm angry and upset...why he wouldnt care less bout me when he's the one suggested the special fren thingy...maybe 2mr morning wake up i'll feel like missing to bits and still love him to bits...i really dunno...

but i think i really should care less bout him ad..since his this special fren doesnt mean a single thing to him...

Stupid Celebrations

i just came back from my classes 2day...luckily i had something to do today..if not i guess it'll be another tough day to pass...i didnt sing during vocal class 2day...my teacher can sense that i'm not well...even my fren...the gal that i'll b her accompanist for her upcoming exam...so my teacher sat down..asked me whats wrong and all..she gave me advise...talked to me...

another shocking news...that i need to attend xmas carolling after all...and out of 10 days must at least perform 8 days...i thought i can dun participate..coz i seriously dun wanna go...aih...or maybe i should??like my teacher say...i should go and mix around with them...and celebrate xmas together...since my previous xmas plans already impossible to be brought out..aih....


aih...i hate celebrations....

Past

last week's today...now i've already picked u up from ur hse and we were heading towards cheras..it was a very memorable day for me last week coz it was my very 1st time fetching u to somewhere..instead of u driving, for most of the time...last week's now, 11.24am, i guess we were stuck in a jam on federal highway...

day day was our last day went out together...i miss it...the last place we went to have lunch was at leisure mall's wongkok cafe...the last place we had dinner was at summit..we had KFC...and i brought home the piece of chicken that u couldnt finish coz u said u ur hse nobody will eat even if tapao back..

how i didnt know was that...the night that i send u home...i'm actually sending u away from me..its heartbroken la...but this is a place for me to release my thoughts, my happiness and unhappiness..and most of the time after i post up my thoughts i'll feel better...

i dunno whether u'll read my blog anot...not asking u to...coz ur very busy..haha...maybe u cant even remember the site's add anyways...well just maybe la...i dunno..coz u seemed to have a very good memory on remembering stuff..while i'm always the one that kept forgetting bout everything..and u'll have to remind me..

aih..what can i say...its time for me to compromise to ur needs..rather than u always to mine...just cross my fingers hard that ..............................dun wanna say la...later if u come here see my blog.then u'll feel pressured again...hahaha..guess i'll just keep it to myself lo...

how to keep myself from not missing u ler...constantly thinking bout u ler...from so wanting to sms u very badly even if u wouldnt reply me anyways...haha...thats me la..always full of contradictions in me...just hope that i'm doing the rite thing to save us both lo....

Decision

i already made up my mind...and that is that i'll wait for u, patrick...

i'll try not to contact u so often coz u need time and space..i'm not sure whether i can do it anot..coz i guess most probably is that i'll still be smsing u alot...well..coz now i'm having holidays...and i'm very free and u would just be on my mind all the time...i'll try to stop myself la...

although keeping myself busy would help..but i just turned down to sing for xmas carolling in Pavillion next week..well there are many reasons...but i'm going to keep it to myself...

i hope what we do now...can really bring us back together in future...and that we can be a better person..but bi...just in case ur reading this...i'm not forcing u...dun feel presured ok??

i'm really sorry for being desperate for wanting to be together again...i know i'm supposed to give u time and space..but subconciously i keept pushing u into things...i'm really sorry...

take ur time la..i'll wait and see how are we going to be...

i know that making this decision is stupid...for putting myself into more sufferings...but i just simply wont give up...coz like u said..i'm a very stubborn person..simply wont listen...=P


just dont forget about me alrite??there'll be always this gal name Clarrise, Lim Huey Hsiang, mad about u..coz she's totally in love with u...=)

and just incase u might forget one day..the name Clarrise is given to me by u...


take care...my dearest very special friend...patrick bi...hope to hear from u soon...

Giving Up

rite til this point...i think there's nothing more for me to do except to give up...i just dun understand why he have to do this to me...treating me nicely and taking time to sort all the things up is 2 different thing...by listening to his voice i can calm down myself and not to think so much bout the future...but to him..i'm almost like a burden to him...special friend...if this kinda of special friend is u pushing me away....i rather dont want..u promised me that u'll at least find me out...thats what u said...and u said u wont sayang me any lesser than before...when i ask u am i bothering u with my life and all...u said no..and asked me not to say like that anymore...

things certainly arent easy for u..but its almost as tough as it is for me...u used to be my everything..and now..i'm left with nothing coz u decided to leave me...how u want me to be happy and pretend that nothing is wrong with my life??i'm not a robot..i cant lie about my feelings for u and for the things that happened...u think everyday is easy for me?it isnt at all...i pass each day by each day...not knowing what am i going to do...yea i know i can focus on my piano for the upcoming exam..but today...do u know that i'm so down that i couldnt do anything but to just lie down on my bed, force myself to sleep to forget bout everything??

i break down today...like i said...i pass by each day by each day...yes..yesterday i can suck up everything, pull myself together...but today...no...i feel like shyt...i told u that...and u just kept quiet..i told u to take care of urself...u answered me back very rudely....i couldnt stand it anymore so i just slammed the phone...coz i really dunno bout u anymore..i dunno whatelse i can say to u..even everytime i called u...we just kept quiet all the time... but at least i can feel ur presence around me...to assure myself that i'll be patient and wait for u...

am i suppose to wait now??or just to give up??can u please tell me??

Blank

my mind is blank...no thoughts...nothing..

it wasnt that hard to spend a day without him if i have other things to do...i spend my yesterday going out with frens...i appreciates alot how they're willing to accompany me...make my day easier for me...at nite...we went to Greenbox...u were late..but u were there for awhile...u said u would accompany me for a nite...at last u said u needed to be alone...so u send me home and left...i know..there wont any promises between us anymore...promise is like a taboo in our relationship...

this time round i dun wanna have high hopes anymore...like u said..go with the flow...i guess u need alot of time to figure things out...i told u that i'll wait...its not a promise..its what i'll do for u..but without asking back in return...but u said u dun want me to do so...and just ask me to go on with my life...sometimes i'm very confused with what u said to me...this minute u said that the next time u coming back to see me..u wont be coming as a friend anymore...and when i asked for clarification...u said u dunno...again...just go with the flow...

it wasnt hard to see u smoke..but i just hate it when u do..the breathe...the smell on ur hands...but who am i to say that anyways??i'm nobody...i can advise u to cut down..but i'm dunno how much are u willing to listen and accept..and i dun wanna rush things or push u into things....

i think i was quite a good gal yesterday...i cried very little...compared to the 2nd day i met up with u after we broke up...all parts of me still longing for our old times, like holding my hands, open the door and wait for me to pass thru...hug me at all times...just those lil things...lil things matter the most...those lil details and stuff u did for me...maybe i was blinded with unsatisfaction and i just couldnt see it and appreciate what u have done for me all these while.. 爱，让人不满足。。。

i'll wait for u...u know i do...so just take as much time as u need...i'll be rite behind u waiting...

Days Without You

1st nite...
still trying to let the fact kick in...we had a talk..i knew u tried so hard to make me not feel to upset bout it...thanx...

2nd nite...
i slept well. coz i knew that the next day once i open my eyes...i'll be able to see you...but i woke up earlier than i planned to...and those 2 hours are really hard to pass...i forced myself to practise piano...but all i ever played was rubbish...i slammed the piano shut...and went to focus on the internet to stop myself from thinking too much...anxious to meet you...coz i dunno how things will be like...last time it was those butterflies making turns and all in my stomach...now...its coz i dunno how to treat you as my special friend...i dun even dare to look rite into ur eyes anymore...things are not the same as i thought it would be...

3rd nite...
i came back to cheras...made plans for today...i practised my violin and piano...i've planned out something for u..and i hope u'll like it...i bought some alcoholic drinks...i opened it up..drank it real quickly...while playing the comp...finally i slept at 4 something...my most reliable drink that would provide me a good nite sleep...didnt really work out...it just wont kick in to my systems...i went to bed anyways...suddenly awake but this sudden pain in my chest...couldnt breathe...its been days i'm having it every now and then...since the day i'm no longer ur ling...tried to tell you..it hurts...but u told me that it was just coz i havent been sleeping enough...i woke up...hugged the soft toys u gave me...real close to me...grabbed my hands real tight til it hurts to direct the heartache away to another place...and i dozed off without knowing...

i cant promise u anything rite now...but all i can say is that i'll try my very best to be a happy person in front of u...even if i'm not...coz the last message u left me...saying that its suffering for u to see me like that...this is what u think its best for us..thats why we're doing it...so to make things easier for u...i'll try to act happy infront of u...i'll try..although in the end i know i'll cry no matter what...for that i wanna apologize to u...for making u see the worst of me...

Sorry

sorry that i cried..sorry that i was so stupid and stubborn...sorry that i took u for granted...sorry for not respecting you..sorry for being ignorant...sorry that i keep saying things that upsets u...sorry that i keep bringing back the past...sorry that u have to see me like this...sorry for everything...sorry that i couldnt promise u that i wouldnt cry and be upset for u...sorry that i couldnt let u go...sorry that although i understand why are we going thru this..but still reluctant to get it into my system...

i'm sorry...

you know me well...u know what i wanted to drink this afternoon..and u ordered for me without me knowing...i'm touched...tears came pouring down..coz i know i'm gonna miss everything bout you, with you...everything that we do and share...when i saw u break down...i know that i needed to protect u from all those...i tried to comfort you..but ur like pushing me away...i dunno whatelse to say anymore..except to pray hard everyday for you...hoping that the angel inside of u will come out and save you...although we're special friends...but this is not what i want..bi u know me...this is not what i wanted...u know me well..i no longer can hold ur hands, no longer kiss you or ask u to spare all ur time for me...coz u said those will only make things harder for the both of us...

i regretted so much...of what i didnt do when i had to chance...i owed u so much...play piano for u, sing a song to you...so many things..now..no matter how much i wants to do it...to make it up to you...it just no point anymore..coz to u..it doesnt matter anything at all...it kills my heart..slicing thru again and again...

just now as i was on my way back..i suddenly remembered that u made me this LOVE NOTE for our anniversary..is a present from u..and in it there was this one page saying that u would take me back with no reasons needed...so i quickly went to look for it...lil do i know..that its only valid when its possible...i was so naive...although now i couldnt use it..but i hope...one day in future..i can use it...

i'm just stubborn..in loving you...i'll wait for u...hope that u can love urself more...


p.s.: u r my bi, and forever my bi...

The End

so many things happened in the past 24 hours...after of 5 years into relationships...now i'm single again....i wouldnt pretend that everything's alrite...my nose and eyes are swollen...i'm very depressed..there's nothing i can do anymore..thats it...we're the history...we're ended up being each other's special friend..which i appreciate it alot...for now..thats the only thing i can hold on to...thats the only thing i can look forword to everyday...i know i'm stupid...just let me be...i do hope that after everything's back to normal and all..we still have the chance to be together again if things could work out for us...

but for now...thats all i can have...


p.s.: ur my most special fren that i will treasure the most...

Another Random Post

last nite slept super early..can say that i never slept that early in this past few months...lolz...i think nearing to half a year i guess??and i woke up @ 12pm just now...now i i still feel very tired and sleepy...



bi bought this for me, assembled it too while i was busy looking at bags in this shop last weekend...damn cute rite?? and its in pink and with a cute cat figure..hahaha..


bi got this from the shop that sells very nice toys...and u know those kinda egg machine where u u put in money/token and u turn it..and an egg will come out??like this toy la...and he's so lucky that he got this cute lil thing...dont think that this small tiny egg machine doesnt work...it does ok..like a real one!!!and those small lil eggs inside really can open up wan...hahaha.inside is a piece of small oval shape plastic thingy with a sticker on it...disney cartoons la all...and bi had to stick all the stickers and fix them by himself...damn nice..hahaha


and i got myself a bag...

bi's mom got me this shirt from her taiwan trip..she just came back two days ago..

okay..thats all for this time..dunno what to say...

gonna go watch desperate hsewives....

Tiredness

Just came back after a whole day being outside...finally got to drive out on my own...well literally la...morning woke up, went for breakfast with dad...then came home to warm up for my class...showered and off i went...went to pick up bi 1st before heaving to cheras...he insist on keep me accompanied..worried that i drive alone..so we went to leisure mall for lunch, then i went back condo to take my book, went to print some things..then bi send me to bukit jalil...class ended @ 4pm..but bi still in Midvalley..miscommunication and misunderstanding i guess..so he rushed back to fetch me over to the other block of condo for vocals coz it was then raining heavily and i left my vocal books in the car..8pm class over, bi picked me up then headed back to subang, at 1st wanted to go subang parade for Pizzahut...but then jam coz traffic lights spoild...then turned over to usj side..jam again...so we went to summit for dinner instead...had KFC...after dinner..when drove back to bi's hse 1st...lepak-ed for awhile...then came home....


pheeewww...what a tiring day...actually i wont be that tired if i got to sleep last nite...i was rushing to make ammendments to my programme note as i need to hand in my 2nd draft to my teacher for checking...so last nite only do and rushed like mad...by 2 something only finished..then surf the net for while..around for only goes to bed..and guess what..i couldnt sleep...coz i've slept the whole afternoon...plus....the nite light in my room decided to spoil just rite before i wanna sleep...i couldnt sleep and i was scared of dark....finally around 5 something 6 only fell asleep..but then...suddenly i heard my neighbour behind making alot of metal clanging sound...my god...

so i'm dead tired now...got some pics but lazy for the moment...gonna update 2mr i guess...

nite....

Too-Free-Nothing-To-Do Post

my previous post i've mentione bout some eye gel that i bought...so i decided to share what kinda skincare i slap on my face everyday....


this is the eye gel that the beautician from Sasa pyramid introduced me...at 1st when i started to used it...kinda effective as i can really see that my dark circles were lesser ad...but 3rd day using it..i'm not sure whether is coz my eyeliner smudged coz i went out whole day for like 20 hours...or i didnt sleep...my dark circles were terible...i shall try longer...


this is my sunscreen for everyday use...bought from the place i went for facial..kinda regret...if i didnt get it..might be able to buy the Skin79 BB cream...heard that product is kinda good...

this is all the skincare i slap on my face everyday....before my facial...ppl told me that should start my own beauty regimen like simple toning, moisturising, protect my skin from sun and do mask everyday...for twice i got rajin for less than a week...then i lazy d...lazy til didnt use toner and all...but after my facial, the beautician said that should start doing it to protect from premature aging..which my skin is showing some syntoms...ever since..i damn rajin ad..lolz...somemore went to buy eye cream...hahaha...

this is the game bi bought for me...but i havent started playing it yet coz i've downloaded some free games from Yahoo..and this cd's games mostly comes with a crack..and i dunno how to apply the crack to the game...hahaha..i know i'm stupid...so is there anyone who's kind enough to teach me??

damn lotsa games...but too bad dun have dreamday wedding and all the wedding games..but got those fashion games..guess u cant have the best of everything...

last week when bi went down to cheras to find me...he brought me a surprise...

a cookbook on cupcakes and cheesecakes...days before we met up i was telling him that i found a few sites blogspots selling very adorable and pretty cupcakes with very nice deco....so he got me this book...

and behold to see some teasers..

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okay la..this is not a teaser..lolz..

i, personally love this a lot..its simple, doable deco and its sooooo cute!!!

with love shaped candle..but i wonder..isnt it dirty to put a candle into ur food??

so damn nice lo...feel like eating them now...who will bake them for me??hehehhe

The Sweetest Sin

nope no pictures...coz i was simply too lazy to take any...holiday has been good...especially days staying with bi...well staying with him would mean very random things could happen any time in a day...and i would lost track of time, sleeping hours, eatting hours would go crazy..well thats his lifestyle...but i kinda like it too despite knowing that it wont do any good..

well agenda for last week was like this...
wednesday nite went back to cheras as i got classes the next day..bi went over to cheras to spend the night with me as he always fetch me to classes in bukit jalil...went out for supper late at nite @ kk food court in Cheras....had my favourite tong yuen and tau fu fa...some lobak...quite fattening...hahaha..well during holidays i usually add on some weight coz of irregular makan time and good food..hahaha...irregular makan time which means every nite late nite supper...sometimes dinner too early or too late...yah u'll get what i mean..diet all gone lo...

thursday...class from 2-4pm..so woke up, warmed up my fingers and woke bi up to go out for lunch...then off to my lecturers' house in bukit jalil...bi waited for me again while i had my classes...waited til he dozed off..as usual la..lolz...then went back to condo to pick up my luggage and all then went back to his place.late evening went out to summit for Hartz chicken buffet and bought pc games...went home and i slept coz too tired ad..bi went out and only came back around midnight..woke me up for supper with his parents as his mom and sis was going to taiwan the next day...


friday...woke up around noon...had lunch at home...then went to sunway...i went to pyramid as usual...and bi went for his class...i dropped by at sasa to get eye gel...and it cost me rather much..but i guess cosmetic stuff are that expensive...then went over to popular book store to get the mag my bro wants...then hanged out there to read mags as i got nothing to shop coz the last friday i shopped til i dropped...then suddenly bi appeared right infront of me..kena marah abit coz he called me few times and i didnt heard my hp ringing..went to jusco to buy beef, pasta and sauce coz i'll be cooking meatballs pasta for him the next day..after that went to taipan to fetch sweesum to go bank to take cheque for their allowance..but too bad by the time we rushed back to the maybank in taipan..it was closed just a few seconds before...forgotten that friday only opens til 4pm..then went home lo...rested and all..bi not feeling well...but then around 7pm we went out...original plan was to go to 1u for dinner and shopping coz bi wants to buy new shoes and stuff...but then we were stuck in a massive and terrible jam...and got lost in damansara..no idea where were we...in the end..after 2 hours stucked in jam..we decided to turned back to puchong for Shabu Shabu coz it opens til 11pm..so even how late still we get to eat...

saturday...i woke him up to teman me cook lunch coz i dunno where the stuff are placed in his hse's kitchen...blee bleh blee blah for less than 2 hours...my meatball pasta turned out to be like lil hamburgers meat...coz easier to cooked...cooked for his grandparents too...then 2pm bi went out for meeting...back only around 5 something...6 something bi brought me out to the pasar malam in kota kemuning coz i wanted to eat keropok lekor..i missed them..too long never eat d...so i bought some keropok lekor and some crispy apam...that was my dinner...bi slept after he came back from pasar malam coz got fever and all...i joined him later...and around 12am..woke up to find food..but i didnt want to go out so he left me alone at his place..eatting biscuits i bought from pasar malam and watching E! on astro...bi only came back around 2am..he said didnt managed to eat anything...then bla bla bla..til around 3 something 4 in the morning..went down to kitchen to cook poridge coz his tongue got cut and sore throat...aroun 6am only slept....


sunday...woke up around noon...bi again went out to meet up with his fren...came back and had lunch at home..his grandma cooked poridge..and my fav dessert...pulut hitam...yummy..hehehe..then lepaked in his room..then dozed off again...around 5pm went out to Motorsports Playground...got some briefing and doing hotspot there..so was there for 2 hours plus...went pyramid..had kim gary for dinner..then went to shop for bi's shoes...he got one pretty nice pair from Echo Park...and bought some clothings too...wasnt too happy yesterday...so we went to the "Lala Street" in pyramid (Asian Avenue)...thought wanna look for something for his sis coz he got good results in her UPSR...i past by this shop selling bags...actually only wanted to look for clutch for i dun have one...so when i wanted to pay...i saw some Burberry on the top shelf...spend some time there in the shop..had a talk with the boss...and i spend some money there...aih...women's sweetest sin...is splurging to stuff...can die la...aih...but i'm one happy gal...yea i admit..i'm stupid..but so??i didnt born with a golden spoon in my mouth what...at least thats what i can do for now...but i swear..i will not do that again...(maybe)...whahaha...bi bought some toy for me..very cute wan...now its in his house.next time got chance i will take a pic of it and post it here to share...=)...so went home to freshen up while waiting for kenny and shirley to come back to subang...went out around 1am for lok lok in sunway..opposite MOS there....coz kenny and shirley was craving for some...something happened when we had lok lok...there was this two brown skined fella..ate alot and didnt wanted to pay at all..so got some commotion going on...at last...they only paid for rm11 coz thats all they've got on them..such ppl...a disgrace to their own ppl...even got the face to come out and wanna eat "pah wong chan"....after lok lok...decided to go to shirley's place for this nice dai chau by indian...its a mamak actually..hahaha...then makan makan again lo...then went to shirley's house to hanged out...we chatted and watched a movie together..left her place @ 8am...hahaha...kenny left for s'pore again this morning..so he was there to accompany her and spend time together...everytime kenny comes back...bi and him will hang out together....came back to Kota Kemuning...teman bi to go see doctor...and went drive thru for breakfast..and went home to sleep...woke up around 3pm to ask bi fetch me home....came home...i very goodgirl...practised my piano, violin and vocal....then fed the cats...did laundry...and now i'm here to blog...and surf the net..


so sien la at home..how i wish can always stay with bi....so many things to do...at nite wanna go where also can...hahaha....

Dilemma

why do i find myself constantly fighting myself???
why am i always in dilemmas regarding trust issues??
izit really my fault for not trusting him??
izit coz he didnt give me the confidence to trust him??
am i living in denial??to the fact that knowing that he could lie so well but i still choose to believe in him all these while while a part of me knows that it might be fake??
am i really thinking too much??
am i over reacting towards matter like these??
am i willing to let go if things turns out to be really bad even from the begining??
izit much better being off alone??
why do i have so many issues??


why......

i cant sleep now...aih...
whole day so boring la how...aih...
btw i just editted my last post coz seriously have too many spelling errors d...finally find the urge to edit them after bi telling me to do it..coz i thought no one would actually read everything and notice them..well i think i'm wrong..lolz...

had my 1st ever facial yesterday afternoon...hahah...after 20 years of cloaked up pores and all..i've done something bout it...went to a super nice beauty centre in Kota Kemuning..coz its newly opened...all 1st timers will have the benefit of a basic facial package that coz rm28 only...so i was told bout it and decided its time to have something done to my face....to have all the blackheads removed...so my mom made an appoinment for me...the facial lasted for almost 2 hours...

1st i was brought in to have my feet cleanse with warm water and sea salt....followed by a fish spa before proceed to the facial...i skipped the fish spa part coz the fishes were freaking me out...they're not those small lil fishes that u see outside those normal shops that provides fish spa...they're huge..each of them is like as long as the length from my palm to my fingers...they're really huge...everytime i tried to put my feet in..the fishes will swim to me like they've never eaten for centuries...finally i still couldnt get the urge to do it...the facial consist of normal stuff and some back and shoulder massage..when they trim my eyebrows...my whole body's nerves all cringe up together...damn geli..hahhaha...after the massage...i felt like my back bones were crushed..hahha...upon the facial ended...i was served with some herbal soup to remove wind from my body...that soup was more like a drink lo...super hot...coz i think its made of ginger and serai....after that i was brought out to smell some essense to revitalize my body...all consisted of serai again...after everything ended...my mom reached...so we were consulted by a beautician or whatever u call it...and she recommended some products to use...

overall my skin was alrite..just abit dry coz of the constants in aircond rooms...my mom got me a bottle of sunscreen for my face...early protection from the sun and premature aging...coz i got some kinda freckles...so i need it...


at nite...we went to sunway for steamboat...ate damn alot..hahaha..was totally bloated...


okay i guess thats for now...imma going to bed now...coz abit hungry d and lazy to go downstairs to find food plus i've brushed my teeth...eatting after 12am is very fattening...

nite peoples...

C-L-A-*-*-*-*E

blogger is giving me such a difficult time when i was posting up pictures...before this...i post pics according to their arrangements...so that i wouldnt need to rearranged them again...but lately...everything went hay-wired....the arrangements are all in a mess and i gotta do double work by rearranging them again in this post....i dunno who's fault izit....but i hope that it will resume back to its usual operation lo...save time so that we'll have more time to blog mah...rite??

okay...its holiday....2 months know...lolz...i dunno i'm happy or sad seeing that i need attend classes every week...yea i know i've mentioned this again and again in my previous posts...but who cares...i wanna say what i wanna say...lolz...i've been a very good girl this past week...i've been practising piano like damn alot lately...say about 3 hours each day...compared to before....less than an hour....yea i know i'm lazy...lolz...


so...this post should start back to last friday when i had my 2nd performance with Dithyrambic Singers...its our own concert to raise funds for us all...so we gotta work too before the performance started...it was damn tiring...i wasnt feeling too well that day...had the syntoms of falling sick then...headache all nite...slight cough...blame it on the weather...aih...i was stationed at the seats area to guide audiences to their seats...it was really crazy...1st time working as an usher...super busy usher...all kinds of people i met that nite..lolz..but it was a really good experience...my parents and grandparents went to watch our performance that nite...after everything ended...was rushed to go home by my mom coz my dad wasnt feeling well too...so after the concert my dad drove to condo for me to pick my things up..then i drove my grandparents home then headed home afterwards...i can drive okay...

ling with maggi..it was his birthday that nite..

me, ling, laiyee and wenchin...managed to take this pic before i left...

reached home....finally a busy day had ended rather well..

so i've spend a few days at home...monday i met up with bi...his car had some problems few nites before so he didnt go to coll...well literally his car exploded...burnt...luckily no one was inside the car when it happened...some wiring stuff short-circuited that caused it..as i was saying..monday i met up with him...teman him to go bank to make a new atm card, had lunch with him and accompany him to salon for a hair cut...

these pics are just some random pics of my neighbour's kittens..they're damn cute can...

this is what u get when u disturn ur sibling...a slap from her...lolz...

there are 3 of them altogether...

and thats the mommy...

wednesday after lunch my dad send me back to cheras...i went back there and started to practise piano....i practised damn long...well when i was half way practising...i got a phone call from my vocal teacher asking me to be an accompanist for her other 2 students....at 1st i still not sure whether should i take that opportunity as i know i'm not that good and i dun wanna screw up ppl's exam and classes..but my teacher reassure me that she'll guide me all the way thru...so i've decided to take the chance...to gain some experience and earn some extra pocket money...its not much..but i think its good enough...better than nothing mah...so after that phone call i straight away practised and prepared the pieces than i need to play for the 2 soloists which willl be having class the next day....it was rather crazy...but its a challenge that i should take up and see how well i can cope with challenges...while waiting for bi to come cheras find me..i kept practising everything...my piano pieces, accompanying pieces and my violin pieces....

bi reached...he brought me out to midvalley...we watched movie and jalan-jalan...seldom got chance to do that coz normally we would go there very late and didnt have the time to jalan-jalan...he also brought a surprise that day...he called me the nite before...saying that he did something to his hair again...

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hahaha!!!!when i 1st saw him i cant helped but kept laughing...not used to seeing him with that hairstyle...but now i find it damn yeng lor....ahhaha...

we had sushiking for dinner....then went to jalan-jalan around...

sat down for a drink

i know i look ugly...

my baby mohawk...lolz...

we watched Bangkok Dangerous that nite...not bad i would say...after movies bi send me back and he left...

thursday....woke up and warmed up and went to coll for classes...had piano and violin and violin group class that day...after all the classes, went home to rest for awhile and practise my accompanying piece while waiting for bi to come pick me up to bukit jalil for vocal classes...kelian my bibi....he accompanied me for 3 hours at my teacher's house while i was having class and accompanied for 2 soloist...thank you bi!!!hehehe...after my class we left to subang to had dinner, bought dvd and went home...what a tiring day....

friday...bi had class from 2.30 til 5.30pm...so i told him that i wanna go pyramid shopping while he's having his class..coz no point staying alone at his hse with nothing to do..after much persuasion that i wont be walking around much as i only hang out at F21, popular book store and starbucks maybe...he allowed me to go shopping alone(he worried how am i going to spend the 3 hours there)...so not used to it lo...coz everytime i go shopping bi would be with me...but i enjoyed it alot too...i can go wherever i want, be in F21 as long as i wanted...it was fun...so after having a light lunch at home...we left for sunway...then we parted our own ways....1st i went to Nichii....then to Forever 21.i sesat on my way to locate F21..damn funny..lolz..spend almost an hour there....going thru all the clothes and hunting for bargains....i shop smart mah...hahaha..after having almost an hour and a half to spare...i went to popular to read mags..by the time bi called me up to meet up with me..i was still in popular looking thru story books to buy...lolz..

the usual...camwho pics in F21...

damn like this knitted hoodie alot...its from bargain corner..the last piece available...and its my size!!!

sorry for my tak-tau-malu-ss pics..

a white spag...something so versatile...

i tell u...this top is freaking cheap lo...

actually i was looking for black tops to wear during formal concerts or recital...but this piece is kinda outta my budget...

my outfit for that day...loving bf tees so much...

so after meeting up...we went to makan at kimgary....bi applied for the membership card...and we used up a coupon..which is free a set of popcorn chicken...and another coupon of rm5 off...so ended up having lots to eat til the extend we cant eat anymore...and the bill only came up to rm29....what a worth eatting meal...hahahha

after makan bi met up with his fren, kelvin to play arcade together...so as usual the guys would stand near to the racing booths waiting for their turn to play rite...i walked whole day in heels so i was tired..so i found a chair behind and sat down there alone, while waiting for them...i was playing my hp....and then there was this guy..came near to me...so i looked up and see what's going on...i thought it was someone i knew...anyways...this guy whom i dont know...started to ask me things..

guy: hi...do you know where's the toilet?

me: oh...erm.......(telling him how to go coz i've just went for toilet break like 10 mins ago)..

guy: oh ic....are you alone???

me:........(a blank look, trying to digest what he asked me..then smile at him, pointed to where my bi stood)....

guy: oh....thanx alot...*smiles*...(then walked away to toilet)...

i was like damn funny lo...1st time having this kinda thing happening to me..lolz...he surely not a regular there la...coz normally the gals what would be sitting there alone is all waiting for their bf to play....and plus...with how i wear instead of regular tshirt and jeans...even if i got spare time i wouldnt just sit alone in arcade rite..i will go shopping instead lo...haha...damn funny la that guy....

after they finished playing...we left pyramid...to Bobo's birthday party in The Ascott in KL....

upon reaching there....we met up with puiyee and send her out to get some food supplies...then we met up with Bobo..who was then having a bite with the press at 7atenine...after finished makan me and bi followed Bobo out to fetch Silvia and Eeling(came down all the way from Ipoh) from Sg Wang...

back in hotel...doing touch ups for the party...

i used my white eyeliner to draw the lines on bi's hair...to make it more obvious...lolz...

the view from the balcony...

the setting for the nite...puiyee arranged and set up everything for them 3...it was Bobo's, Jess's and William's birthday party...see the boost and the glasses there??


damn cute can this bday cake..lolz..

trying to pose like the banner..hahhaha

one proper one...

finger foods...the food was fantastic..such simple lil things but damn nice...all by puiyee and Jesse,stanley, ah heng and some other frens...

Bobo!!

Jesse, Silvia, Eeling and i

with the bday boy

bi working his thing at the dj station..left me alone to mingle around myself...with stanley there..

i tell u the photographer from the press damn like to take pic of them 3....hahahaa...when they're half way eating or talking or drinking...the camera man will be there snapping away d...hahahha

taken by leonard...i dunno y he took my cam from me...

with bi...got abit tipsy so i went to chill in the room...but then later many ppl came in to joint us to chat

it was fun...better than clubbing coz can mingle around alot and get to know new people...that nite i enjoyed myself...learnt to be more socialize...and got to know a few new frens...thanx bi..u always bring me to such fun events...taught me so many things...muazkzs..hehe...

oh yea...from my shopping trips....the yellow and cherry top is from e-shopping...the black tube from nichii and others from F21...all in all here i've spend about rm280 i think...i think i'm crazy..when i dont shop i wont spend any money at all..when i do..i'm spending like crazy...how???....aih...

oh yea...speaking of the secret....u know u want it...dont ya??hahhaha

well its like this...when me and bi went out with Bobo to fetch Silvia and Eeling..Bobo was asking me to have an english name so people can remember it easier than my super long and hard-to-remember chinese name....at 1st bi asked me what name i want..i said anything la..i dunno also..then i just said ABC..hahha...then dunno how things went and Bobo started to called me Herzt...at 1st they wannna name he HKS or something..my goodness...they too obsess with car stuff d..hahahha..then back at hotel...me and bi got nothing to do as the crowd still havent show up yet...so we discuss what kinda english name i am to have...so at last we ended up with CLARRISE...damn funny lo...coz at 1st bi intro me to his frens as my own name...then half way thru the nite...i started intro myself as Clarrise..hahahha...i was like giggling and laughing all the way when intro myself to someone...damn funny and not used to it lo...hahahha...

well please dont think that i'm trying to be hau lian or wanna act like ang moh or something...the reason i adopted Clarrise as my english name is that its easier for people to remember my name than my-super-long-and-hard-to-remember-and pronounce chinese name...actually bi already asked me to have one english name since like way long time back...but i didnt want to coz i thought if ppl wanna know me they would remember my name..guess i was stupid enough...coz i dun even remember ppl's name well!!..lolz...so there's it...i'm Clarrise...and Hueyhsiang....to ppl whom i already know...i'm still Hueyhsiang...but to ppl whom i'm bout to know in the future...i'm gonna intro myself as Clarrise for easier remembering....

laugh all u want and say all u want..but i think that name is beautifull..and i really do like it alot...